


How To Get Through Senior Year With Your Balls Intact

by loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (a smidge of angst), Abnormal Story Format, Belligerent Besties, Boarding School, Chatting & Messaging, Coming of Age, Crude, Dumbassity, F/M, Gen, High School AU, Implied Sexual Content, Lance (Voltron) is a Dork, Long Schlong Lance, M/M, No Angst, Romance Secondary to Plot, chat/text/script and other weird shit, excessive emoji use, goofy shenanigans, i'm on the floor, idiots to lovers, sports AU, why tf is this a real tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 32,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS/pseuds/loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS
Summary: Lance’s go to guide for all things girls, school, and the woes of adolescence!TOP FIVE SENIOR YEAR GOALS:5) Lose virginity4) Survive APES without being crazy murdered by Dr. Holt3) Become sex god™ (to snag bodacious white haired beauty)2) Ask Jenny Shaybon or the other Jenny to prom (pending…)***1) Stop thinking about one particular dangerous, robotic little gremlin dwarf who will crush your spirit and laugh while doing it***aka everything is a crisis when you’re in high school
Relationships: Established Hunk/Shay - Relationship, Hunk & Keith & Lance (Voltron), Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt, Lance/Pidge | Katie Holt, Minor Kinkade/James, Ryan Kinkade & Lance, brief Lance/Plaxum, minor Keith/Shiro
Comments: 30
Kudos: 38





	1. Mon Oct 8, 2035

**Author's Note:**

> standalone sequel to [(Unfortunate) First Times](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17134877/chapters/40297577) . you don’t need to read the first story for this one to make sense, but this will have obvious spoilers since the first chapter functions mainly as a prologue/aftermath. 
> 
> formatting takes about a gd year and i can’t edit anything without the format getting royally FUBARed so any unintentional errors are there to stay lol. formatting is also optimised for desktop so i apologise but parts of the format on mobile are fucked. ~~I'll figure out how to tweak them sometime in the future~~
> 
> written bc i needed to procrastinate and write some dumb shit that doesn’t require much thought.
> 
> ( _also_ swimming was not one of my sports back in the day, so apologies in advance)

Lance’s go to guide for all things girls, school, and the woes of adolescence!

_8 Oct 2035_

**_TOP FIVE SENIOR YEAR GOALS (as of Oct 8th!)_** _:  
_ _~~5) Lose virginity  
~~ _ _4) Survive APES without being crazy murdered by Dr. Holt  
_ _3) Become sex god™ (to snag bodacious white haired beauty)  
_ _2) Ask Jenny Shaybon or the other Jenny to prom (pending…)  
_ _***1) Stop thinking about one particular dangerous robotic little gremlin dwarf who will crush your spirit and laugh while doing it***_

_~ ~ ~_

_I, the fabulous, suave, and forever charming Lance McClain… had sex._

_ HECK YEAH!! _

_Two days later and it’s still completely shookening that I actually lost my virginity. I feel like I'm a new man! Like the world is my oyster ready to shuck! Like nothing can stop this new world I’ve stepped into where the “Mystery of the Mystical Pussy” is no longer this unattainable magicked golden book in the Restricted Section._

_To wake up knowing I’ve experienced a cavern the likes of which has never been known on this planet makes me feel like I’ve accomplished so much in my life in just a day. It’s surreal the more I think about it. Part of me doesn’t even believe it actually happened after wanting it so long, but there’s no way I could truly ever forget the sensation of my first time._

_So what I sucked major ass??? So what I was torn into pieces by a vicious pint-sized troll doll??? It doesn’t matter because I reached a tremendous milestone that will catapult me into extreme desirability in the eyes of all the ladies!_

_And on top of that, being a non-virgin is a huge responsibility. I have to guide and lead other Cherry Boys through this world now and show them there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. We can all make it to the promised land of a magical cooch. Dreams do come true! We will not be doomed to an existence where we haven’t felt the truly phenomenal warmth of nirvana!!!_

_I mean, the little guy (well, not really little if I do say so myself lol) has been all smiles all weekend so I think he’s quite pleased with my efforts. There is absolutely no feeling that will ever beat that warmth and wetness. It’s a dream come true. Everything I've ever hoped for and more._

_Except of course… none of that even fucking matters when today is likely my last living day on Earth._

_There will be horrible, painful crimes committed against me today!_

_So if I don’t come back, whoever finds this:_

_DR COLLEEN HOLT, BELOVED AND DANGEROUS AF AP ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE PROFESSOR AND MOTHER OF KATIE “I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP” HOLT ARE CULPABLE. ONE OR BOTH OF THEM HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO LANCE MCCLAIN._

_Oh woe is me, to lose such a spectacular and bright future at the tender age of 17 at the hands of a vengeful family of scary ass women!_

_Goodbye beautiful world._

_Signed yours truly,  
Lance McClain xoxo_

_PS: if you should find this lovely journal of mine, please ensure it is stored in a museum to represent the national treasure I have always been._

_(Because let’s be real. The world is losing a foine piece of booty)._

_~~PSPS PS x2~~ _ _PSS: and please emphasise on my tombstone that I died NOT a virgin. TAKE THAT MARCO. TWO PUMP CHUMP NO MORE._

* * *

**Senior Support Meeting [IMPORTANT]**

From: [bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
CC: [jiverson@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:jiverson@galaxygarrison.academy.org), [hsablan@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:hsablan@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 8, 2035, 07:15

Good morning, senior!

It’s officially that time of year! As you proceed to the next steps in your application process for college, we will now begin our one-on-one accountability meetings. In preparation to complete your senior year, we will be solidifying your post-graduation plans, college application lists and requirements, and concluding necessities of your education such as volunteering, course credits, and grades. This is a big step in your life, and it’s time to start prepping for your move out of high school to prepare you for your transition into the independent adult world.

At the beginning of the year, we set in place meetings based on your availability to ensure you would be able to attend the appointed dates with your guidance counsellor and college advisor.

This is a reminder of your upcoming scheduled senior support meetings:

**Montgomery, Tuesday, October 9 th @ 13:05 Mercury Building: Admin Hall Office 17**

**Sablan, Tuesday, October 9 th @ 15:15 Mercury Building: Admin Hall Office 11**

If your meeting(s) is/are set during Study Hall, your proctor has already been informed of your absence and it will be excused for the duration of the meeting. You are to return to study hall as soon as you are dismissed. If you need to reschedule your meeting dates, please respond to this email **ASAP** so we can find the best time available. If you cannot attend, and you do not show and do not contact us in a timely manner before or after, you will be awarded ten demerits and receive an immediate email from the Disciplinary Council.

**Otherwise, please confirm that you will attend these meetings.**

I look forward to conversing with you in the coming months.

Best Regards,  
Brenda Montgomery  
Director of Counselling Services  
Galaxy Garrison Academy

…

**> >>Re: Senior Support Meeting [IMPORTANT]**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 8, 2035, 07:28

Is this some generic template you just switch out the email of the student for and some bits of information here and there? _Not_ cool, B. After all the trouble I’ve given you through all these years, you’d think you’d have a personalised message for me! I’ll forgive you this one time though. I’m sure you knew better.

Also, I can’t stand Sablan. He’s not receptive to my _amahzing_ jokes. Why can’t I get a more chill advisor? Can I have a different one?

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming   
Newspaper Club, Editor   
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid   
Class of 2036

* * *

Lance absolutely loved certain block schedules.

His favourite was always B block. Physics and calculus, his hardest classes, dropped for the day, and he got to end his day with both free periods. Study hall—a major energy drainer—was the worst part of the day, plus he had _Iverson_ as his proctor, but Pidge had been scheduled in his group this year so at least there was the thrill of passing notes whenever Iverson turned around.

 _Was_ being the operative word.

After Saturday, he doubted she’d be talking to him anytime soon. She hadn’t texted him all weekend, so Lance wasn’t convinced she’d talk to him at all during study hall later today, much less that day _period_.

And that wasn’t even the worst part of this day!

Today was F Block.

So he was starting off the day in APES.

With _Colleen Holt_.

AKA the woman who was either going to murder him dead or find a way to exile him in the neverending winter of Siberia or something.

Lance had been semi-okay during his shower, but after putting on his uniform slacks and button down and adjusting his tie, he started freaking out a little bit. And by the time he’d stuffed the books he needed for his early lectures in his bag and left his room, he was looking over his shoulder the whole time, fully expecting that scary ass woman to pop out of nowhere with a chainsaw.

And it wasn’t just because of the fact that he would have to face his teacher today, knowing what had gone down on the weekend. He’d also have to face Pidge, and he wasn’t sure what he was even supposed to say to her.

He had no doubt any variation of ‘Hey, sorry I ran out on you and left you to deal with the mess’ was a surefire way to get drop kicked on the head by those machines of death she called legs.

The dining hall was already pretty packed and noisy by the time he got to the doors for breakfast. James Griffin was harassing a terrified little junior high kid for not tucking his shirt when no one else even gave a rat’s ass about anything like that. There was another kid on standby to get scolded who looked like he was about to drop a dookie in his pants.

“Isn’t it a little too early in the morning for you to be shoving poles up your ass, Griffin?” Lance muttered as he walked by. “School hasn’t even started yet. Can’t you just let people eat their damn breakfasts in peace?”

“School begins as soon as the breakfast bell rings, which was eight minutes ago. It’s seniors like you that make other students think it’s okay to walk around in improper dress code in the halls of our esteemed academy.” James barely spared him a glance as he made note on his clipboard of any House Arus students walking to breakfast not in proper handbook dresscode. “Writing you up for a missing blazer, by the way.”

“Oh _c’mon_. Dude, are you serious?”

“Rules are rules, McClain. Being a senior doesn’t make you above them.”

There was clearly a perverse satisfaction in the smirk on James’s face, and Lance rolled his eyes in fatigue.

Fucking James Griffin.

The Regina George to his Cady.

It was bad enough that Lance was in the same year as this utter tool and that they’d had classes together through the years, but he was also in House Arus, and worse than that, was one of their prefects. Even Shay’s endless kindness as prefect #2 couldn’t make up for the bullshit they’d had to put up with because of his stringent regard for the rules. Lance couldn’t remember one single year where they’d ever won the house cup because James doled out enough write ups that the amount of demerits they received knocked them out of the running every year.

Some guy walked by in his pyjamas, and James blew his whistle, barking at him that he was out of dress code. The guy turned on his heel with a gasp and took off, and with multiple blows of his whistle, James tossed his clipboard and straight sprinted after the guy, shouting at him to come back or face the consequences. People barely had time to jump the hell out of the way. The junior high kids on standby took their chance to leave and raced into the dining hall, all to glad to escape his clutches.

“Jesus Christ…” Lance muttered, shaking his head.

It was a timely interruption, but Lance felt bad for the guy especially since James was known for tackling people to the ground if they tried to avoid punishment. He was way too damn cutthroat about his job.

Lance scanned the dining hall quickly to locate his friends at their usual table smack dab in the middle of the room, a perfect location to observe all the going-ons and stay informed but aloof. Far away from the obnoxious meathead football jocks, facing the cheerleaders so Lance always had a nice view of their uniform bloomers when they stood up, and far from the junior high brats who somehow always found a way to work in a food fight once a week.

He spotted Hunk and Shay feeding each other French toast sticks and rubbing their noses together and instantly turned around. No way was he about to become a third wheel to their gross lovey-dovey bullshit while he was on edge. He couldn’t find Keith’s dorky mullet anywhere either. He did find Nadia in the breakfast line piling a bunch of stuff on her plate and using Ina’s to stack more food, but Lance didn’t find the top of Pidge’s unruly head of hair nearby.

Which meant it was only a matter of time before she did show up.

Which _meant_ , he had to bounce.

Despite the mouthwatering scent of the personalised omelettes and fresh baked pastries and bread rolls, and drool-worthy bacon, his stomach was too much in knots to properly eat so he grabbed two apple fritters, and a blueberry muffin and scrammed before he summoned a Holt all too keen on frying his ass in batter.

He’d hold off on seeing Pidge until it was safer. Better not to return to the scene of the crime just yet. Not that he’d committed a crime per se, but if he returned it would definitely become a crime because he was sure Pidge would make him suffer. If not her, then her mother probably lying in wait to disembowel him like the girl-gang member she had to have been.

(He _swore_ Colleen Holt had ties to some Italian mafia, but no one believed him!)

In the meantime, he needed information, and the only one who could provide him what he needed was Shady Sebastian, their resident school spy.

No one knew how he got his information or who his informants were, but he was never wrong and he knew _everything_. And he’d successfully made a business of his knowledge. Most of the time, he accepted weed and booze bought with fakes for big trades, but Lance needed quick info and he hoped his trade would suffice.

Lance walked into the common lounge for House Arus in their dormitory, bypassing the study tables where students were rushing to finish some last minute homework assignments or cram. He moved past the bookshelves to the ladder at the back of the room and climbed up to the hangout loft—affectionately dubbed The Makeout Lounge although Lance had never had the privilege of using it in that way. (Yet. He refused to graduate before finally getting his right to a public, steamy makeout with a girl on the couches!) He didn’t spot the wiry kid anywhere near the couches or the computers and frowned.

“Looking for me, Lance?”

The comment came from above his head and Lance looked up, finding him hanging upside down by his legs from the low rafters and swinging slowly back and forth. With a grunt, Sebastian pulled himself back to a seating position and then hopped off the low beam and dropped down from the rafters onto the couch beside Lance.

“I brought some payment.” Lance dug the muffin out of his bag’s pocket and handed it over to Sebastian, whose face lit up happily.

“Sweet! My fave.” Sebastian pushed his glasses up his nose and then peeled open the wrapper and took two giant bites. “I have some extra juicy news, by the way, but I can’t tell you yet.”

“What’s the point of mentioning that if you’re not even going to share it?”

“The offering isn’t high enough,” he said around mushed bits of muffin.

Lance’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “Fine. What do you want?”

“Keith.”

“Like… like to _boink_? What the fuck?”

“He borrowed one of my fancy blue ink pens last week and then lost it. So I’ve determined he must die,” Sebastian said completely seriously with thinly veiled annoyance on his face.

“I mean, you’re not wrong. That offence does merit death, but… I can’t just give you Keith to kill. His sugar daddy gets us into cool events in the city.”

He yawned, sitting back against the couch and setting his ankle on his knee. “You know how this works, Lance. Find something of equivalent value, and I _might_ consider disclosing my gossip. So what’d you want today?”

And this was why Lance hated dealing with this guy. But Seb was a lifer, he knew everything and everyone at this academy and no one else at this school made it their life’s mission to have all the gossip like he did. Well, except for Hunk, but Hunk was far too nice to intentionally spill dirty details of people’s lives. And lately, he’d been so lost in the throes of his gush love with Shay that he hadn’t occupied himself with gossip. A blessing and a curse. While Lance was glad his life wasn’t being scrutinised and accidentally revealed to people anymore, it meant his access to rumours had gone way down.

“I want to know if Dr. Holt is sick or something. Will she be teaching her class today?”

“Saw her opening her classroom this morning.” Sebastian frowned in confusion as he finished off the last of his muffin. “Why?”

“N-no reason. Just hoping for a break from class.” Lance muttered, rubbing the back of his head and glancing away.

“Hn. Well, anyway, that’s all I got for you. Come back when you can afford the news.”

Like an annoying as hell shopkeeper in a video game.

Lance sighed as he climbed down from the loft and plopped down in one of the beanbag cushions in the corner by the bookshelves to wait for the House Meeting to start.

He was really debating whether he should take the L and go to class with his demented teacher or skip, which meant probably getting a demerit for truancy. That’d bring him to six and that was way too many when the school year all but just started. He needed some leeway for some mischief he had in mind at some point and he needed some space to act a fool, especially since frickin’ James had it out for him. Plus, Lance actually really enjoyed Environmental Science, and he couldn’t risk messing up his grade more than he was sure it had already plummeted.

He’d just have to figure out a way to fend off Dr. Holt.

“Guess I’m going to class…” he sighed.

* * *

😘 Miss Robo GeekAssNerd 🔪🤓❤️  
\----- Mon, 08/10/2035 -----

Hey doofus.   
Sent 07:44   


YOURE ALIVE  
Sent 07:44

Haven’t talked to you since sat  
U good?   
Sent 07:45

Well, I’m pretty sure I’m going   
to die or worse… get expelled   
Sent 07:46   


Spoken like a true hermione. A  
violent and dangerous  
hermione   
Sent 07:46

I’m obviously harry dumdum   
Sent 07:48   


Hello?? Round glasses   
Sent 07:49   


wut  
Sent 07:49

You know ur a damn slytherin  
Sent 07:50

So was harry   
Sent 07:52   


You’re not harry!  
Sent 07:52

We’ve been over this. I’m harry   
you're ron, hunk is hermione.   
We have the same qualities   
Sent 07:53   


Prove me wrong.   
Sent 07:53   


Fine! I will and I’ll write a 100  
word paper proving you are  
not in fact HP   
Sent 07:53

lol dummy   
Good luck finding evidence to   
the contrary.   
Sent 07:54   


Didyou spend your weekend in   
hiding?   
Sent 07:55 

Yeah but I LIVE  
Sent 07:55

Where you at? They had apple  
fritters at breakfast today  
Sent 07:55

I know! Riz tried to sneak me   
one and my mom caught her   
Sent 07:56   


I saved you two. Peace offering  
Sent 07:57

Doesn’t matter.   
Sent 07:57   


Packing up my shit and   
planning my escape   
Sent 07:58   


???  
Sent 07:58

I’m gonna be shipped off to a   
convent in italy!!   
Sent 07:59   


C’mon your mom is scary af,  
but she wouldn’t do that  
Sent 07:59

You don’t know my mom. I   
know she’s not joking.   
Sent 08:02   


Can’t leave my room until we   
finish our talk. She contacted   
all my teachers to say I   
wouldn’t be going to class   
today. It’s been three   
mother-daughter days now   
Sent 08:03   


What about your floor monitor?  
Did she find out?   
Sent 08:03

Yeah but only cuz you ran out   
buck ass nekkid   
Sent 08:03   


I had a blanket!  
Sent 08:04

Parts were swinging open   
Sent 08:04   


She saw your cocoa pebbles   
Sent 08:05   


She saw his royal willy Lance  
McPecker?!   
Sent 08:05

(First of his name, best of his  
kind 😉)   
Sent 08:06

Best???????   
Sent 08:06   


Har har  
Sent 08:06

She doesn’t care about   
hookups. Not a buttmunch   
monitor   
Sent 08:07   


Well that’s good I guess  
Sent 08:07

So was she impressed?  
Sent 08:07

What is wrong with you   
This is no time to joke. Missing   
field hockey is not ideal. I need   
to hit something!!   
Sent 08:08   


Crap 😱😱😱 That's right!  
Otherwise humans become  
your target  
Sent 08:09

Exactly. This is your fault.   
Sent 08:09   


Takes 2 to tango ya know  
Sent 08:09

Takes one to forget to lock the   
door!   
Sent 08:10   


That was YOUR fault  
Sent 08:10

Agree to disagree then.   
Sent 08:10   


INCORRECT  
Sent 08:10

Your disgusting boy filth   
turned my towels crusty   
Sent 08:11   


You almost busted my nose  
into pieces! Still seeing stars  
when I press on it.  
Sent 08:11

Thanks to YOU I’m being   
supervised to death. Plus she’s   
threatening to make me live   
with her which means I lose   
my special room   
Sent 08:11   


I earned my room through   
honest means   
Sent 08:13   


Don’t lie.  
Sent 08:13

*Semi-honest means, happy?   
Sent 08:13   


lolz are you grounded?  
Sent 08:13

Nah. She doesn’t want me to   
think I should be punished for   
curious behaviour. She's just   
mad I lied about it and broke   
the rules. It’s more of a weird   
debrief than anything.   
Sent 08:14   


Sorry that’s happening :/  
Sent 08:14

Do people still hang out in the   
lounge?   
Sent 08:15   


And go to town on the   
weekends?   
Sent 08:15   


They do. And it’s glorious.  
Sent 08:16

I want an apple fritter 😭   
Sent 08:17   


I hate you. This is your fault!   
Sent 08:17   


Yeah, well. You won’t have to  
worry about it soon since  
mama holt is planning to  
murder me dead  
Sent 08:17

She’s JUSTIFIED. You   
deflowered her daughter   
Sent 08:18 

It was a mutual deflowering!  
Show some support!  
Sent 08:18

Every man for himself fool   
Sent 08:19   


Ice queen af  
Sent 08:20

Suck a fungal toe   
Sent 08:20 

lol wtf  
Sent 08:21

But are we okay?  
Sent 08:23

I know sat was kinda cray and I  
was too scared to check in  
Sent 08:23

Thought your mom would be  
monitoring your texts like a  
hawk   
Sent 08:23

She was all weekend. Not   
today tho   
Sent 08:24 

sorry  
Sent 08:24

For running  
Sent 08:24

And the other things  
Sent 08:25

It’s fine. Movie nights are on   
hold for a bit but   
Sent 08:27   


You’re my best friend, Lance. Of   
course we’re okay.   
Sent 08:27   


I think   
Sent 08:29   


Great! Cuz I left my box of  
condoms in your room. And  
they might come in handy in  
the future so…  
Sent 08:30

She confiscated them moron.   
Sent 08:31   


Those weren’t cheap! What  
does she need a box of  
condoms for anyway?  
Sent 08:31

Is she cheating on your dad?!!!!  
Sent 08:31

Why am I friends with you   
Sent 08:32   


smdh   
Sent 08:32   


* * *

**NEW SCHEDULE [IMPORTANT]**

From: [studentaccounts@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:studentaccounts@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 8, 2035, 08:30

Good morning, Lance,

A reminder that your former elective Psychology is no longer a course as of today.

We were waiting for your decision for your new elective and schedule by Sunday which we did not receive so we have placed you in Videography to fit with your current schedule. If you wish to make further changes to your curriculum this semester, please contact your class dean asap as we will not be revising any schedules further by the deadline of Friday, October 12, 2035 at 15:45.

** Office of Student Accounts **

Galaxy Garrison Academy

[[McClain Fall 2035 REVISED]](archiveofourown.org)

…

> McClain, Lance Fall 2035 8 Oct 2035
> 
> Study Hall | Iverson Jupiter Building: Supernova Library  
> A Calculus | Slav Mars Building: Asteroid Hall 025  
> B Spanish Contemporary Literature | Dos Santos Mars Building: B11  
>  *****C Videography/Film Making | Sendak Venus Arts Centre: Room 208**  
>  D AP Physics: Mechanics | Ryner Mars Building: Comet Hall 112  
> E AP English Literature | Luxia Mars Building: Eclipse Hall 056  
> F AP Environmental Science | Holt Mars Building: Comet Hall 102  
> G Free Period  
> H Free Period

* * *

**> >>Re: Senior Support Meeting [IMPORTANT]**

From: [bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 8, 2035, 08:54

176 different teens in your graduating class and I’m not even surprised by this response. You know, Lance. Most students just respond with a thank you for the reminder or I’ll be there…

And Sablan has been your siblings’ advisor since Luis graduated 12 years ago. He has all your family’s financial information and updates plus the schools they went or go to, so he is your best option if we want this process to be seamless.

In case I didn’t make it clear to you: the answer is no.

Best Regards,  
Brenda Montgomery  
Director of Counselling Services  
Galaxy Garrison Academy

* * *

“Okay… just breathe, Lance…” he muttered, rounding the corner into his APES classroom and fully expecting to see Dr. Holt sitting at her desk at the front with a rusty pipe.

She wasn’t there though, and save for James and a few other early comers, the room was pretty empty. Lance couldn’t help but thank his lucky stars. As he walked towards the back, some of them gave him weird looks, but Lance ignored them, hoping that his plan would work.

His strategy for getting through class for this entire week was to sit innocuously in the back of the class instead of his usual favourite front corner seat. He’d stay there as long as it took until he was sure Dr. Holt calmed down a bit about what had happened.

He spent his time as the class filled up tapping his fingers anxiously and eyes glued to the door. Dr. Holt strode in shortly after with her customary mug of coffee, an unassuming look on her face as she took a cursory glance at the faces in the room. Lance didn’t miss her eyes going to his usual seat for a moment and gulped, sinking a little lower in his seat and hoping to go undetected for the rest of the day.

“Is Lance not here today?” Colleen questioned, taking an idle sip of her coffee as she flipped on the projector and set up her materials on the table in the front of the room.

James jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “He’s sitting in the back.”

“For fuck’s sake…” Lance grumbled under his breath, wishing he could make himself invisible.

Her gaze slowly went to him, and just as he suspected, it was all frost. And if you asked him, threatened divine retribution. He was safer in the back. Couldn’t get fried to a crisp by that laser-eyed amber gaze. (Unless she could shoot lasers from her eyes and he wasn’t convinced she couldn’t). He definitely knew where Pidge got that frosty disposition from.

“I almost marked you absent. Any particular reason you’ve decided to sit elsewhere, Mr. McClain?” she asked behind the rim of her cup, but Lance was not fooled by the amused nonchalance of her tone.

“Oh you know… change of perspective.”

Dr. Holt hummed, but said nothing as she sat against the edge of her desk. No way was he going to be fooled and lulled into a false sense of security.

“So I wanted to spend just little bit of time to conclude our brief tangent last class about compounds found in plants and used in modern society,” she started, blowing into her coffee for a moment before taking a sip. “If you all can remember, the last example was salicylic acid found in certain plants.”

James raised his hand. “We actually finished that discussion, Dr. Holt. I wrote it in my notes.”

“Yes, I suppose we did, Mr. Griffin,” she continued as if she hadn’t even been interrupted. “I wanted to provide one more example in a plant referred to as mugwort, or its official name, _Artemisia Vulgaris_. Anyone familiar?”

If it were any other day, Lance would have made a particularly charming and clever joke, except that he was too scared to even move a fraction with Dr. Holt clearly looking to turn him to stone with her Medusa eyes.

“It’s sometimes used in flavouring ale. It also has medicinal uses in small doses for fevers and minor ailments. Or for pain relief for, off the top of my head… a mandated _castration_.”

Lance froze, his breath growing stilted as he bored a hole in his textbook.

_Don’t look up. Whatever you do, don’t look up._

“Thoughts on this, Mr. McClain?” He snapped his head up, wide eyed, and Colleen was waiting patiently, no particular expression on her face. “You usually like to provide some insightful commentary during our lectures.”

Oh God.

He was gonna die.

“On, umm, castration? Seems… seems a little inhumane if you ask me. The, uh, the wein— _it’s_ a treasured part of the body. And if any experience was, uhh, _mutual_ , it’s not like it ended up where it wasn’t supposed to. For nonconsensual deviance, yeah, I can see a purpose, but umm… when not, I think there are better ways to go about resolving these kinds of situations. Talking it out probably would do the trick.”

Some people looked like they were trying their absolute fucking hardest to keep from laughing while others had turned around and were staring at Lance looking confused as all hell.

“…Any other thoughts? On _mugwort_ , this time?” she responded slowly. Snickers filled the room, and Lance’s cheeks burned. “Mr. McClain, I don’t mind you sitting in the back if that’s your preference, however, I still expect you to pay attention during our lectures and participate accordingly. Are we going to have a problem?”

She damn well knew they already did!

“No, Dr. Holt,” he squeaked, and she levelled him with a smile that made the hairs on the back of his neck rise.

“As most plants of the wild,” Colleen continued, standing up and setting her mug by her bag on her desk, “you’ll find they have multiple uses and that a heavy dose can cause adverse effects in the human body. The vulgaris species are one of those, as its potency in high quantity can cause spasms. Also, different parts of the plant can yield different uses.”

James slowly raised his hand again.

“Yes, Mr. Griffin.”

“Dr. Holt, I don’t mean to micromanage the lecture,” James commented. “But wouldn’t this discussion be more productive for us if we wrote a paper on a chosen plant instead? I think it would benefit us more if we had presentations assigned.”

The whole class groaned, some people mumbling _shut up_ under their breath.

Colleen nodded slowly as she erased some of the markings left on the chalk board. “Good question. I’ll make it extra credit. Five hundred words that will go towards your lowest exam score at the end of this term. Pick a plant—doesn’t have to be one we’ve talked about—discuss its use in modern medicine as well as historical use and any other uses, and adverse effects. Cite your sources.”

“What if we get all perfect scores on our exams? And will we get more points if we make a full length powerpoint presentation?”

“Then it will go towards another aspect of my grading rubric.” Dr. Holt’s brow minutely twitched as she reorganised her notes and set a transparent slide on the projector. “Five hundred word paper _only_ , Mr. Griffin. Do not come in with a diorama either. Alright, let’s return to our lecture on ecosystems.”

Lance was so glad the heat was off his back for the time being, but he could barely focus and slid further down in his chair, trying to stay as lowkey as possible as she resumed their scheduled lecture.

* * *

*NORMIE SENIORS UNITE*

_October 8, 2035, 09:13_

_loverboy has logged on._

_loverboy sent a picture._

_loverboy sent a picture._

_loverboy sent a picture._

_loverboy sent a picture._

_loverboy sent a picture._

_loverboy sent a picture._

_loverboy sent a picture._

_loverboy sent a picture._

_October 8, 2035, 09:17_

**loverboy:** no matter what happens to me  
 **loverboy:** were friends forever ok

_October 8, 2035, 09:21_

**Sugarbear™:** oh no.  
 **Sugarbear™:** what are you about to do lance?  
 **Sugarbear™:** why’d you send pics of your class  
 **Sugarbear™:** and dr. holt?  
 **Keith Kogane:** Probably for something stupid or perverted.  
 **loverboy:** i sent this as evidence!!  
 **Sugarbear™:** of what???  
 **Keith Kogane:** A better question is  
 **Keith Kogane:** Isn’t it a little early for you to be high  
 **Sugarbear™:** living life on the edge, lancey?  
 **loverboy:** im not high!  
 **Sugarbear™:** you’re definitely endangering your life texting in holt’s class tho  
 **Keith Kogane:** Speaking of endangering your life…  
 **Keith Kogane:** You stole a 10 out of my wallet on fri  
 **Keith Kogane:** Don’t deny it  
 **Keith Kogane:** Hunk is a blabbermouth  
 **loverboy:** hunk!  
 **Sugarbear™:** i'm sorry!!  
 **Sugarbear™:** he bribed me with cheesecake!  
 **Sugarbear™:** my one true love 😩  
 **loverboy:** why r u so mad  
 **loverboy:** just ask ur sugar daddy for money damn  
 **Keith Kogane:** I don’t have a sugar daddy  
 **Keith Kogane:** There was a bake sale in Mercury this morning  
 **loverboy:** it was for a noble cause  
 **loverboy:** i needed condoms!  
 **Keith Kogane:** Who tf cares  
 **Keith Kogane:** I was going to buy some brownies today!  
 **Keith Kogane:** BROWNIES, LANCE.  
 **Keith Kogane:** I wanted chocolate for bfast and you fucked it all up!!  
 **Sugarbear™:** keith man  
 **Sugarbear™:** you’re really worked up about these brownies  
 **loverboy:** i know right?  
 **loverboy:** wtf just get ur sugar daddy to buy u some  
 **Keith Kogane:** I don’t have a sugar daddy!  
 **Keith Kogane:** And these had MELTED white chocolate chips in them  
 **Keith Kogane:** CARAMEL DRIZZLE  
 **Keith Kogane:** AND SHREDDED COCONUT  
 **Sugarbear™:** i can make you some just like that if it bothers you so much??  
 **Sugarbear™:** is that okay?  
 **Keith Kogane:** IT IS NOT.  
 **loverboy:** jesus keith  
 **loverboy:** chill out  
 **Keith Kogane:** I WILL NOT.  
 **Keith Kogane:** FUCK YOU  
 **Keith Kogane:** IT’S ON SIGHT LANCE  
 **loverboy:** oh look at the time  
 **loverboy:** gotta bounce

_loverboy has logged off._

* * *

**SWIM TEAM TRYOUTS**

From: [coran@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:coran@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [swimming@list.galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:swimming@list.galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 8, 2035 09:38

Hello, my guppies!

It’s that time of year again when we return to our natural state where we belong: in a pool!

That’s right, people! The Galaxy Garrison Swim Team is having their first practice of the season and tryouts for our Varsity team!

** MAKE SOME NOISE **

We welcome all swimmers, new and old. Bring your suits (much respect if you wear a speedo), your caps, and goggles, and towel, and get ready for a fun-tastic afternoon of swimming like the fishies.

Practice will begin at 16:00 at the indoor pool.

If you are unfamiliar with it, it is in Neptune Building, past the basketball court and behind the trainer’s office and workout machines. Entrance to the locker rooms are through the inside of the building only, so if you’ll need time to change, make sure to come early because football will be having their conditioning.

Don’t worry if you are new and don’t have the gear yet; we can get that sorted out as the season goes on.

The only thing I do request is that everyone brings a smile and a winning attitude so we can make this season the best one yet!!

If you know of anyone else who may be interested in participating this year, please forward this email to them and have them contact me to add them to our swimming listserv.

I look forward to seeing an enthusiastic group today!

** STAY GROOVY! **

CC

* * *

“I’d like to remind you all that I’ll be doing homework checks sometime this week so if you’ve been putting it off, this is your formal warning,” Dr. Holt walked around the desks, methodically returning papers from the previous week back to their writers. “As far as the papers go, I was quite pleased with some of your work; others of you, not so much. Email me if you want to set up an appointment to discuss your grade or have any questions. Those of you with low marks who I’ve requested to see, confirm with me by email if that time works for you. Once you’ve gotten your paper back, you’re free to leave.”

She came to a stop in front of Lance’s desk, her imposing figure blocking off some light, and he kept his eyes down when she set the paper on his desk.

“Good work, Mr. McClain.”

She clicked away back towards her desk and Lance flipped to the last page, expecting to see some revenge fail mark, but he’d gotten an A-. There were some general notes regarding the structure and coherence in one of his arguments, but at the bottom, there was a small note telling him to see her in her office after the last bell for school let out.

His grade was passing. She never requested direct office visits unless the grade was too low.

He stuffed the paper in his satchel, getting out of his seat and moving past some people sharing their grades as they packed their bags to leave. He took a deep breath, approaching her desk as he chewed on his lower lip.

“Dr. Holt,” Lance said quietly, and then cleared his throat. She looked up from her laptop and raised a brow in response. “Uh… I have, umm, swim practice today. First practice of the season. And tryouts. I’d rather not be late. So I… can’t come to the meeting.”

“There are fifteen minutes from the last bell to the start of your practice at three thirty. How quickly our meeting goes depends on how prompt you are, so don’t be late. And this is non-negotiable,” she said staunchly before dismissing him with little more than a glance back down at her screen. “I will see you in my office after school, yes?”

He swallowed hard. “Yes ma’am.”

This was going to be a long as fuck rest of the year.

…

By the time study hall let out after lunch, Lance still couldn’t think of a way out of his meeting with Dr. Holt. The tried and true fire alarm pulling was a classic, but if it happened too many times in the year, officials got suspicious. He needed to use it for a true emergency, and right now, his best chance of survival was a possible witness or back-up to come with him. Hunk had wrestling, so his only choice was Keith, which Lance was kind of worried about too. But C was Keith’s free period, and now was his best shot as any.

He knew he was supposed to report to Videography today since his psych elective was cancelled last week, but he honestly didn’t feel like it. He’d just lie and say he checked the schedule change email late to get out of trouble.

It annoyed him because his old class had a ton of cute girls. His choices for switches had been limited to joke classes people picked when they didn’t want to do shit for an elective or switching his free period to take another elective, which was unacceptable because he loved the back to back free periods on certain blocks.

But Videography?

It was one of the _worst_ electives. And Sendak was the damn teacher. Lance already had the stress of fending off Dr. Holt, but adding that drill sergeant as a teacher was also shit. Lance could still remember horrid PE days in junior high and the fear Sendak inflicted on all of them when he made them run fifty laps followed by five hundred burpees. And his neverending damn love affair with dodgeball. There was not a single Garrison student who didn’t have PTSD from Sendak’s maniacal laughter while they got pelted in the face and stomach and arms by a barrage of balls. And if there was an odd number, he would participate.

The sadistic bastard.

Lance trudged into the House Arus dormitory boy’s wing, waving the two chocolate bars he’d snagged after lunch as he approached the door monitor. The guy, some sophomore Lance figured, subtly looked around before nodding and jerking his head to allow Lance to pass. Lance slipped the chocolate bars to him and climbed up the stairs, whistling triumphantly to himself.

Normally, the door monitor was supposed to check schedules of returning students to make sure they weren’t being truant. But a lot of them could be bribed with proper persuasion. The only person who couldn’t be bribed was James, but he was also head student officer of the Disciplinary Council and no one had figured out yet how to convince him to partake because no one had any dirt or blackmail material on him. Plus he was a teacher’s pet, so no one trusted to ask him because they were sure he would snitch.

Lance bypassed his own floor and headed to the third, straight to Keith’s room which was unlocked as usual, and when Lance peeked in, he spotted a lump softly snoring under the covers. Lance dropped his bag by the door and launched himself on top of him like a flying squirrel. Keith jolted with a wheeze when his elbow collided with something squishy.

“The hell’s the matter with you?” his grumbly voice growled under the covers. He tried to roll Lance off, but Lance sank into it like a pancake and draped himself over him until Keith couldn’t really move. “Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?”

“Keith, wake up.” Lance whined, sitting up a bit and shaking his shoulder. “I need to talk to you about something urgent! I was going to ask you during lunch, but you skipped. I need you as a bodyguard.”

“I was out late last night. And fuck off.” His voice was still hoarse from being forcefully roused. Lance only barely avoided Keith’s knee clobbering his junk when he shifted again. “You owe me money.”

“Whatever happened to ‘Klance friendship power activate’?!”

“Ended when you shat in the pool during gym. I don’t associate with people who aren’t potty trained.”

“Man, we were ten, what the fuck. I had a bad burrito for lunch and it was an accident!”

“That _shit_ will follow you for the rest of your life. Heh. Get it? Shit?” he said in monotone, shuffling under the covers to try to get more comfortable.

Lance found his head and tried to smother it, while Keith struggled and tried to wrestle him off.

“Lance, get the hell off and let me sleep!”

“How can you even think of sleeping when one of your absolute besties might end up killed by his vengeful teacher?!”

Keith’s head popped out from under the covers, his eyes bloodshot and mullet a wild, raggedy mess. “What the heck are you babbling on about now?”

“I told you already!” Lance hissed in his face. “Dr. Holt is trying to lock me in a dungeon and torture me for all eternity!”

“Can you calm down?” Keith planted a hand on Lance’s face and pushed him away, brows furrowing as he rose up on his elbow. “Why are you spazzing out?”

“You would be too if—” Lance clammed up.

“If what?”

“…if Pidge’s mom walked in on you,” Lance said in a lower voice, just in case Keith’s neighbours might be listening. “What part of she is trying to _kill_ _me_ do you not understand?”

“Wait, so you two actually _did_ hook up?” Keith’s brows slowly went high on his forehead, his jaw a little loose.

“Yes, dammit! How many times do I have to tell you I did it with Pidge before it gets through your head?!”

A funny look appeared on his face. “And— and Dr. Holt walked in on you guys going at it?”

“Yes!”

There was a moment where he stared at Lance, lips twitching. And then Keith burst out laughing, guffawing so loudly his voice bounced off the walls of his room and echoed. Lance sat back on his haunches with a roll of his eyes, watching Keith’s stupid ass struggle to catch his breath, arms clutched around his stomach as he uncontrollably laughed.

“Oh man, I’m gonna die!”

“Keith, it’s not funny! Shut the fuck up!”

“I can’t,” he gasped, wiping away a tear and then doubling over into another round of raucous laughter. “Holy shit, I will never stop bringing this up!”

Great.

So Lance was going to die.

And on top of all that, his friends would watch it happen while laughing their asses off.

* * *

**> >>Re: Senior Support Meeting [IMPORTANT]**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 8, 2035, 14:06

What can I say? I’m not like most kids *waggles eyebrows*

You’re so cold, B T_T Why must you treat your favourite so?!!!

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming  
Newspaper Club, Editor  
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Senior Support Meeting [IMPORTANT]**

From: [bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 8, 2035, 14:08

Lance.

Just come to your meetings tomorrow, okay?

Best Regards,  
Brenda Montgomery  
Director of Counselling Services  
Galaxy Garrison Academy

* * *

_Garrison Trio Assemble! has been created._

_loverboy has added pidgeon._

_loverboy has added Sugarbear™._

_October 8, 2035, 14:22_

**pidgeon:** Why’d you start a new group chat?  
 **loverboy:** kith doesnt deserve to be in this group anymore  
 **loverboy:** he also says hi btw  
 **Sugarbear™:** lmao wut  
 **Sugarbear™:** i thought you had a class during C??  
 **loverboy:** skipped for today  
 **loverboy:** and  
 **loverboy:** remember how my psych elective got cancelled  
 **loverboy:** they put me in film theory/vid  
 **Sugarbear™:** slacker class. good for you  
 **loverboy:** NO notgood!  
 **loverboy:** who the fuck cares about videography?!  
 **loverboy:** nose pickers and serious nerds take that class  
 **pidgeon:** You say that like it’s a bad thing.  
 **pidgeon:** I’m a serious nerd.  
 **loverboy:** but ur a hot librarian type  
 **loverboy:** with a riding crop who spanks the loud people  
 **loverboy:** two very different nerd types  
 **pidgeon:** Well.  
 **pidgeon:** Can’t argue with that.  
 **Sugarbear™:** that’s oddly specific…  
 **loverboy:** stop acting like it’s not true hunk  
 **Sugarbear™:** fair enough  
 **Sugarbear™:** but i meant vid class is a good fit for you  
 **loverboy:** ehat’s that supposed to mean???  
 **Sugarbear™:** keith took it last year  
 **loverboy:** i work hard!  
 **loverboy:** i work harder than keith!  
 **Sugarbear™:** pidge are you still alive?  
 **loverboy:** dont ignore me!!  
 **pidgeon:** Mama Bear giving me another sex talk  
 **pidgeon:** She’s got her claws out  
 **pidgeon:** Should be fun  
 **Sugarbear™:** why has she been giving you sex talks all day?  
 **pidgeon:** I thought you told them?  
 **loverboy:** they both thought i was lying!!  
 **Sugarbear™:** :O  
 **Sugarbear™:** wait so it’s true?!  
 **Sugarbear™:** you guys actually hooked up?!!?  
 **Sugarbear™:** OMG WTF  
 **Sugarbear™:** HOW COME NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING  
 **pidgeon:** bc you blab?  
 **loverboy:** it wasnt a “hookup”  
 **loverboy:** and i did tell you!  
 **pidgeon:** We would if you weren’t always so deep in the throes of your gush love with Shay.  
 **loverboy:** i literally thought the same thing today!!!!  
 **Sugarbear™:** don’t hate, appreciate  
 **pidgeon:** smdh  
 **pidgeon:** Look what romance has turned you into Hunk.  
 **pidgeon:** You make me sick.  
 **Sugarbear™:** lmaoooo 🤣  
 **loverboy:** you know your mom threatened to castrate me!!  
 **pidgeon:** So she went easy on you then?  
 **loverboy: 💀  
** **loverboy:** easy?!  
 **pidgeon:** idk what you expected  
 **pidgeon:** Pretty sure no parents want to walk in on their kid.  
 **Sugarbear™:** HWAT  
 **Sugarbear™:** BACK UP  
 **loverboy:** moving on  
 **loverboy:** i could have taken first aid training elective  
 **loverboy:** apparently a lot of the girls who want to go to nursing for uni take the class  
 **loverboy:** and theres a cpr section with practice  
 **loverboy:** and i want to lock lips with cute girls!!  
 **Sugarbear™:** she walked in on you?!  
 **pidgeon:** hello mono…  
 **loverboy:** thats a risk im willing ot take!!  
 **pidgeon:** *vomits*  
 **pidgeon:** Your desperation for some action sickens me.  
 **loverboy:** clearly not enough…  
 **loverboy:** since we made the beast with two backs and all  
 **pidgeon:** Do you REALLY want to go there?  
 **pidgeon:** Cuz if you ask me it wasn’t much  
 **pidgeon:** since you busted a nut in ten seconds and all.  
 **Sugarbear™:** CAN SOMEONE PLS EXPLAIN WTF I JUST READ  
 **Sugarbear™:** WHAT UNIVERSE ARE WE LIVING IN  
 **loverboy:** IT WAS F O R T Y  
 **loverboy:** AND TRUCE.  
 **loverboy:** NOW.  
 **pidgeon:** fine  
 **pidgeon:** truce  
 **Sugarbear™:** were you responsible at least?  
 **pidgeon:** Yes dad. We used a condom.  
 **loverboy:** tbf it was more than one  
 **loverboy:** MAGIC PEEN AND ALL  
 **Sugarbear™:** i think i’m having a stroke  
 **loverboy:** my point is  
 **loverboy:** first aid training = *KISSING* AND *GIRLS*  
 **loverboy:** WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?!  
 **pidgeon:** a fucking apple fritter  
 **Sugarbear™:** Lance.  
 **Sugarbear™:** what you need  
 **Sugarbear™:** is the love of a beautiful woman with a clean soul 😍😍😍  
 **pidgeon:** urgh 🤮  
 **loverboy:** CAN YOU SPELL LAEM  
 **pidgeon:** Can you?  
 **loverboy:** i meant *LAME  
 **Sugarbear™:** shay is such a beautiful person  
 **Sugarbear™:** did you know she chose her senior project to volunteer at the animal shelter?  
 **Sugarbear™:** my sweetie pie is cream of the crop  
 **Sugarbear™:** a beautiful soul  
 **Sugarbear™:** a diamond  
 **Sugarbear™:** my sweet lovely wonderful shay

_loverboy has removed Sugarbear™._

**loverboy:** jesus  
 **pidgeon:** We lost him, Lance.  
 **pidgeon:** He’s gone from grizzly bear to Winnie the fucking Pooh.  
 **pidgeon:** Ah shit.  
 **pidgeon:** Mom decided it’s time to commence operation  
 **pidgeon:** “why the fuck would you bone lance”  
 **pidgeon:** She thinks you have rabies.  
 **loverboy:** shiiiddd i think i have rabies too  
 **pidgeon:** lmao bye dumbass  
 **loverboy:** ✌️

* * *

No matter how much Lance hoped for some kind of meteor to drop from the sky, the dreaded moment when the final bell dismissed them from their last class still arrived.

And with it, the end of his world as he knew it.

Lance had come to Dr. Holt’s office multiple times to discuss assignments or ask her questions, especially since she was House Arus’s houseparent, but these circumstances made it less than ideal.

It was the end of the school day and instead of preparing for practice, his favourite time of the day, he was standing outside the worn, heavy oak doors of his teacher’s office and struggling to knock on the door. Some other teachers gave him weird looks as he muttered to himself, but Lance took three deep breaths, gathered his nerves, and finally rapped his knuckles on the door and opened it with a click.

He poked his head in nervously. “I’m here, Dr. Holt.”

“Take a seat, Lance.” She gestured absentmindedly to the chair on the other side of her desk, still scribbling on something in the planner in front of her.

Lance made a big show of leaving the door wide open in hopes she’d understand that he would have no qualms screaming like a little girl to alert anyone of any foul play that may be occurring. He took slow, steady steps to the chair, bag partially held up in front of him, and kept his gaze staunchly on the woman to wait for any sudden movements.

Like her flinging that pen in his neck, for example.

Colleen finally clicked her pen shut and straightened in her chair, watching him approach with a perplexed frown on her face. He sat uncomfortably in the seat, releasing the breath he’d been holding as he set his bag down, but not relaxing just yet just in case he needed to make a rapid getaway.

“Thank you for being prompt,” she started. “So. I’m not sure you knew this, but it would appear that—”

“Look, Doc Holt,” Lance quickly cut in, wanting to get out his spiel before she made her mind up to dump him in a vat of boiling acid. “I’m sorry this weekend was so awkward! That was not how we wanted it to go either and up until then, we’d locked the door so that was an accident. But at the very least, she was 100% safe and protected, and it was with someone respectful who she trusted. I didn’t force myself on her at all! Promise. Plus we were the epitome of no love without the glove. And I think we used at least ten! So be, uhhh… h-happy? Err… proud?”

He tapered off when her neutral expression dropped, and he choked on any more words he wanted to say when Colleen’s face turned icy and dark again. She let out a long sigh under her breath, folding her hands on her desk with a raised brow.

“I’m aware of the details of your rendezvous, Lance. But if I’m hearing you correctly, you think I should be happy that you, as you kids say, nailed my daughter?”

His eyes went wide. It was a trap.

“Why haven’t you killed me yet?” he blurted.

“Pending.” Her gaze didn’t waver from his, and it was impossible to tell if she was joking.

Which in his mind, meant she wasn’t!

“Ummm,” Lance slowly started to rise from the chair, intending to make a break for the door. “So I have to go get ready for practice so…”

“I called you to my office to ask what events you typically swam this past summer. I was told that you did club to further advance your training?”

“Oh… Yeah, I was—”

“But since you brought this up, we might as well address the elephant in the room. Sit down, Lance. We need to talk. Especially since you ran off on Saturday with your tail between your legs.”

“Don’t you mean my knick knack paddy whack between my— umm, nevermind,” he chuckled anxiously, aborting the joke immediately when the frost in her gaze turned glacial.

He didn’t know why the hell he always resorted to jokes when he was nervous but he had to get his shit together or she really would end him.

Colleen rummaged in her desk drawer for a moment, and Lance nearly flinched when she brought her hand back out and held a tied up plastic bag out to him.

He took it in confusion. “What’s…?”

“Your boxers and clothes and the supplies you left in Katie’s room. She wanted to keep the flowers.”

“…Are you reporting us to DisCo?”

“You were in the girl’s wing. Broken rule. You were in her room with her door closed. That’s a broken rule as well. What I ended up seeing, though not outright stated in school policy, is an obvious broken rule as well. The disciplinary council _should_ hear about this,” Colleen pointed out, ticking off fingers as she spoke. “However… it was outside of school hours, on a weekend, not past curfew, and technically, I was a mother visiting her daughter and not an official of the school that day. So _technically_ , I don’t have to report anything.”

“But you’re going to, right?”

God, what a fiasco.

She stacked some papers neatly, and then set them on a corner of her desk with a sniff. “I won’t.”

“Oh. To protect Pidge?”

“She may be my daughter but she’s not above the rules. Just like Matt was not. She breaks rules; she gets consequences.” Colleen gave him a serious look. “But you both are very good students. And you’re graduating in the spring, Lance. I will not cause you to miss out on your future opportunities with a blemish like this on your record. I suggest you re-read your student handbook to review what is and isn’t allowed at this school.

“Now, I know you’re a senior, so of course you’re going to continue these kinds of antics regardless of how much we all try to dissuade you. I get it. I was in high school once too. I just ask that you be safe. We don’t want our students here getting into avoidable trouble, especially this close to finishing high school.”

Lance couldn’t help the smile growing on his face. “You’re really letting me go scot-free? I thought this would warrant an immediate expulsion!”

“Believe it or not, we’ve had more incidences like this in the past 4 or 5 years than you can ever imagine. I don’t like it. But teenagers have hormones. And teenagers do stupid stuff, no matter how well we may or may not have raised you. And we as adults can’t control what you all do every second of every day. I can’t control Katie. I informed her of everything years ago and taught her how to protect herself. She told me she felt safe with you, so she made her choice. An odd one, but a choice nonetheless.”

“Wow, I… I appreciate the save. Thank y—”

“That’s my professional response as an educator and staff of this academy. As a mother though?” Colleen continued, harsh bite in her now threatening smile. “You better not dare so much as look at my daughter ever again. If I _ever_ catch you with her like that again, our next conversation is going to end quite differently. Make no mistake, Mr. McClain. You’re off the hook, but you’re on my radar now. And not in a good way. Dismissed.”

It nearly gave him whiplash how quickly her tone had changed, but she didn’t have to tell him twice.

Lance shot up, almost knocking the chair over in his rush to grab his satchel from the floor, and got the hell up out of her office. He had to be on his best behaviour in her class for the rest of the year because he knew she was about to make his life hell on Earth if he did anything wrong.

That woman was _terrifying_.

* * *

**> >>Re: Senior Support Meeting [IMPORTANT]**

From: [bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:bmontgomery@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 8, 2035, 15:14

And ON TIME.

Best Regards,  
Brenda Montgomery  
Director of Counselling Services  
Galaxy Garrison Academy

* * *

K. Cocaine 💩  
\----- Mon, 08/10/2035 -----

Lance pooped his pants~   
Sent 15:27 

Lance pooped his pants~   
Sent 15:27 

Forgot how catchy that was. It’s   
about time we brought that   
back.   
Sent 15:28 

Go to hell  
Sent 15:28

😛   
Sent 15:29 

* * *

Lance was pretty sure he deserved some sort of award for how quickly he’d thrown his stuff in his room, swapped his uniform for his Garrison-issued jammers, grabbed his duffel and sprinted all the way to the indoor pool.

It was exactly three thirty on the dot when he burst through the doors of the back stairwell, out-of-breath and hair all over the place, but thankfully, practice hadn’t started yet. He was still readjusting his nuts in his suit as he raced over to the group of other returning swim team members. Lance set his duffel bag on a free part of the bench and finally relaxed, digging around to find his cap and goggles while greeting people who poked his back or said hey. Lance was so happy the season was finally starting. He could finally get away from the crazy of the day and hop in the pool, a place he considered home away from home.

He’d been waiting for this day since school came back in session. The chlorine clinging in the air, loud whirring of the AC, cold air making his skin rise with goose pimples, his spandex just on the right side of tight, the pristine blue of the pool. There was truly no better place to be at the academy.

“It’s that time of year again. When we stink like chlorine no matter how much we wash,” Lance said excitedly, sitting and sliding along the bleachers until he was plopped in front of Shay. He nudged her knee with his elbow, and she laughed. “I was starting to get pool withdrawal symptoms.”

“I missed it too. Especially diving. There’s no pool in my neighbourhood at home,” Shay replied while she quickly finished off flat twisting her hair. She pulled her cap over her head and wedged her finger under to smooth out the band. “I heard we’re apparently getting another coach this year.”

“Jeez, about time.” Three years late honestly, but it finally seemed like the school was increasing the swim programme’s budget since they’d made it to state last year. And meanwhile, fail ass football had state of the art equipment when they hadn’t won a game since the dinosaurs went extinct. “I didn’t see Hunk on my way here. Doesn’t he usually stop by before our practice?”

“My knight in shining boo bear,” Shay gushed with a dreamy sigh, her hands clutched in front of her heart. “He had to go print something before his practice, but he gave me first day flowers. I love him so much.”

Lance fake gagged. “You guys are _that_ nauseating high school couple, you know?”

Shay giggled, much like Hunk, completely unbothered since they were already way far gone in their married high school couple romance. Honestly, it would have been cute except they were so gross about their lovebirdiness. Every time they were together, you could practically see the heart bubbles and moe flowers floating around them.

Coach Coran blew his whistle as he rolled his whiteboard in front of the bleachers. The people who’d been standing around moved to take seats on the benches with the rest of the team. It was nice to see that there were a ton of new recruits and more people who wanted to be on the team. Every other year they lost a ton of members—this year there were twelve of them graduating and eight were varsity level—but it was nice to know more people were going to be on the team to keep the legacy going.

“Alright, I think that’s pretty much everyone,” Coran started, scanning the group on the bleachers, and then checking the door to see if there were any latecomers. “Let’s get started then. Welcome, everyone, new and old, to another great season of swimming!”

They cheered and whooped as Coach Coran chortled. Lance loved their bizarre ginger coach. He credited Coran’s energy and sheer love for swimming as the reason why he himself had grown to love the sport so much when he started out years ago.

“I’m your head Coach, Coran. As you know, today is our first day of practice and our tryouts for Varsity, as I mentioned in our email. Varsity positions are never set in stone, even if you were varsity last year, and we do not follow age hierarchy. Simply do your best. I do also allow monthly re-tries if you don’t make it this time.”

He went on to describe some of his usual philosophies, their team goal to win state championship, and gave them a brief description of his history with swimming and diving and how long he’d been coaching the team. He also discussed what he expected of the members, and honestly, Lance had heard this speech four years running, so he only marginally listened while getting his cap and goggles on.

“Now, usually we do a mock meet with each other at the end of the first week of practice to dive right in to the competitive environment, but since we’ll be having the pool cleaned this Friday, instead, I thought it would be nice to have a joint practice at Beezer Academy.” Coran paused for a moment as he waited for most of them to stop groaning. The new people looked confused. “Their coach was kind enough to offer us dual usage of their pool, so we’ve decided to go ahead and make it a mock time trial instead so we can gauge your current times in competition setting.”

“Not those pretentious fuckers!” someone shouted.

“Why Friday?” someone else called out. “I’m not in shape for the season yet.”

“Seriously,” Shay whispered to Lance, “why do we have to do this at Beezer? Their students are absolute jerks.”

“Exactly.” He didn’t like having practice at the school of their biggest rivals either, but this was an opportunity to get some intel on their team this year. “So this is our year to knock them down several pegs. Get your fighting spirit up, Shay! It’s up to us!”

“Great enthusiasm, Lance!” Coran exclaimed, holding his hand out and Lance high fived him with a _whoo_. His moustache was practically vibrating in excitement. “I feel good about this season. This is our year to win state! Get hyped for a great season!”

“Coach, no offence, but our best fly for the guys graduated,” Luka pointed out as she readjusted the strap of her suit. “Swim got to regionals because of him. Who’s going to swim the medley and fly events?”

“We’ll worry about that in due time. I’m not concerned at the moment since it’s always like this every year. Someone will step up. But let’s move on for now. I can see you guys getting antsy to get in the water.” He lifted up his clipboard and skimmed his notes as he cleared his throat. “Just some quick announcements. We’ll be voting on swim team captains until Thursday, so whenever you get the chance, email me your choices. We’ll be picking four captains, two guys and girls. Preferably a mix of different events. Vote well. Also, as you may have heard, most of my efforts this year will be focused on diving and training our distance and new members. But we’re lucky enough this year to have a great additional coach who’ll be assisting in leading the majority of our practices.”

Another round of cheers and slapping the sides of the bleachers filled the area.

“I also wanted to mention that Shay has been our only diver for the past three years, but I’m happy to announce that we have a new freshman who wants to learn. They’ll be in tomorrow to start training so I’ll be spending some time working with our newest member to follow in Shay’s footsteps. And of course, working with Shay to get to championships again this year so she can destroy the competition in the finals!” Other old members leaned over to squeeze her shoulder or ruffle the top of her cap. She smiled a bit bashfully, ducking her head and quietly thanking everyone for the support. “So my sprints and mid, you guys will be working frequently with Colleen Holt who will be managing most of your workouts and practices starting tomorrow.”

And Lance could have sworn his breath left his body when he heard the name.

“ _Say what_?!” Lance squawked, doing a double take and making some people jump from his outburst.

“Colleen kindly agreed to assist in coaching this year since we have way more swimmers than I can account for in full. And speaking of…”

The door leading to the back stairwell shut with a soft bang and in walked Dr. Holt in her trainers, a warm smile on her face as she waved. The team was applauding, but the only thing going through Lance’s head was _fuck fuck fuck_ on repeat.

It all made sense. That’s why she’d been asking about his events.

“Sorry I’m a bit late; I had to conclude a conversation with my daughter. Hi, everyone. I know most of you already know me as Dr. Holt as you’ve probably had me as a teacher at some point or another, but like I’ve told my Arus wards, you can just call me Colleen. Or if that makes you uncomfortable, Coach or Coach Colleen or Coach Holt is fine too. But I want you to think of me as more of a trainer; my goal is to help you nurture and refine your swimming so you can reach the goals you set for yourself. To my varsity members, I will be a little tougher on you, but I will never push you past your limits.”

Lance hunched a bit over, hardly paying attention to what she was saying because he’d gone stiff and his brain was rushing through too many thoughts than he could account for at once. Because he’d figured it out now.

“Pending” had clearly meant she was going to drown him in the pool and make it look like an accident!

Was this shit for real? This was a nightmare.

Lance pinched his leg to try to see if he was dreaming, but when he opened his eyes, Dr. Holt was still there, concluding her little introductory speech.

When Coach Coran blew his whistle and called for the start of warm-up, Lance made sure to keep as low a profile as he possibly could, only walking behind Dr. Holt and standing in her blind spots. Or behind Shay, who was tall enough that he could use her as a cover.

The tryouts were usually nothing too difficult. More like a typical practice with a different mix of sets and repetitions to check each member’s capabilities, how well they could endure distance or speed runs, their skill and technique, their current levels of fitness. The goal was not only to solidify who they wanted on the varsity string, but to also get a preliminary look into what talent they could develop through the years. Most everyone already knew whether they would end up in varsity or JV, so the tryouts were really only for those that wanted to try their shot at getting placed first string.

When it was Lance’s turn to hop in the pool for his warmup laps, he let out a sigh of relief after submerging himself in the water. He loved the satisfaction of trailing through the water, the way it drifted along his skin and made him feel like some water nymph. It felt so good and after such a crazy day, he knew he didn’t want to be anywhere but the pool.

Once everyone had swum their laps, they stretched and did introductions of names, years swimming, and fun facts, and then finished off warmup with a kick set, technique drills, and 8x50 sprints. By the end of it, it was clear who in the returning team had fucked around during pre-season and who was completely out of shape, but Lance did feel bad for some of the newbies who were struggling to keep up. This wasn’t even close to what some regular practices were like, and it did take a while to get used to Coach Coran’s rigorous practice schedules.

(But it also made him glad that he’d joined a club team over the summer because he was in _perfect_ shape, if he did say so himself).

Lance patted the shoulder of one terrified looking kid when they were all let go to take a five minute water break before tryouts. “Hey, you know you don’t have to worry about times right now, right? Coach isn’t gonna kick you off the team. Just go out there and have some fun with it. We’re all rooting for you newbies!”

The little freshman nodded rapidly, though his smile still looked just a shade shy of scared. It was hard to believe that there was a time when Lance was that small too, in their same shoes and looking at all his seasoned upperclassmen in awe. It was weird being on the other side now, confident in himself and his skills.

Coran blew his whistle again for last year’s returning varsity members to stay in a group on the side with anyone interested in trying out. There were way more people who wanted to be on varsity this year, but Lance was pretty assured in retaining his spot from last year. There weren’t that many people on the team whose times were in the same range, and Lance knew he’d made a lot of improvements over the summer. He didn’t think he was the fastest overall, but he knew where his strengths lied as a sprinter, and he was definitely one of their top five.

He made the mistake of looking around while he waited for Coran to answer people’s questions and accidentally caught Dr. Holt’s eye when she stopped in front of the whiteboard with her stopwatch and clipboard. There was something of a wry smile on her face, and he instantly turned away, effectively spooked.

“…Shay, you guys won’t hate me if I quit the team this year, right?”

She spun to look at him in alarm. “What? Lance, you can’t quit! We need you if we want a shot at beating Beezer at state. Where’s your fighting spirit?!”

“Died thanks to our new demon coach…” he muttered under his breath, eyeing his teacher as she helped some freshman girl adjust a strap on her suit with a sweet smile.

That mafiosa had everyone fooled.

“I know many of you were on our team in junior high last year, but how many of my new members have no experience swimming competitively?” A few new upperschool first ears timidly rose their hands. “Well why don’t we start with a relay demonstration then? To get your energy up! Let’s have… Jeff on back, Cliff on breaststroke, Lance on… fly, and… Rocky on free.”

Lance walked over with the others, kind of annoyed he had to demonstrate fly when he wanted to be the one bringing it home. His personal goal was to become the anchor for their relay team—and have the adoring crowds fawning over him—but he figured it didn’t matter much for one day of practice.

Jeff hopped in the water and at Coran’s whistle, pushed off the wall and took off. Lance readjusted his cap and goggles while he waited for his turn, and then climbed up on the block after Jeff tapped the wall and Cliff dove into the water. It wasn’t a real race, but he still loved this moment, watching his teammates swim their hardest to catch them a lead as his turn approached. The quiet lull and concentration as the anticipation built up. Synchronising his breathing to his heart rate. The thrumming of his pulse as he crouched and set for his dive off the block.

He took a breath right before Cliff touched the wall and then pushed off with the release, streamlining into the water and following through with dolphin kicks when he was submerged. When he broke the surface, he followed his usual practice pace during club in the summer, breathing when he broke up again, gracefully swinging his arms in even strokes, and utilising the full extension of his limbs to propel himself forward. Lance reached the other end of the pool and turned, kicking his feet off the wall and undulating in the water until he’d gotten to the surface again and got back into his rhythmic stride. He couldn’t really see with the splashing water in front of him, but he felt great, not too rushed, not too out of breath, his body loosening with each stroke as he grew lost in the comfort and ease of moving through the water.

He flattened his hand against the wall when he reached it and watched Rocky drive off the block into the water. Lance grabbed the ledge as he worked to catch his breath. As he pulled himself out, he expected most of the freshman to look pretty awed—Lance was a damn good swimmer and he knew it—but he _wasn’t_ expecting some of his fellow varsity people to have that semi-shocked look on their faces too. Dr. Holt was frowning though she was watching her stopwatch as Rocky swam, which somehow worried Lance more than anything else. Even Coran was staring at his clipboard with furrowed brows.

Lance subtly checked his crotch to see if Lance McPecker decided to pop out of the gopher hole unannounced or something. When Rocky had finished and the newbies started tittering in excitement, Lance walked over to Coran who was quietly twirling the tips of his moustache as he looked at the clipboard with Colleen.

“Uh, Coach?” Lance panted, rubbing at his face to wipe off some of the water. “Sorry if I screwed up that leg just now. I figured it was just a demo so I didn’t put that much effort into it. I can do it again, if you want?”

“…You can do it again, you said?” Colleen eyed him, her expression stern, though her tone wasn’t particularly harsh. “Same pace?”

“Yeah, probably. Err… or faster, I guess—”

“What percentage effort were you swimming at just now, Lance?” she asked.

Crap.

“Uhh, like sixty maybe?” Lance lied. He’d been at forty at most, but clearly she didn’t like that he wasn’t gasping for breath. This was just his luck; she already hated his guts and now she’d think he was a slacker on the team too. “Like I said, I can do it again with more, if you want. Also, I would like to point out that fly isn’t my best. But I totally kick butt at free! Those were my events at club.”

She and Coran exchanged a look for a second.

“Don’t worry about it for now. But Lance, your dive off the block was fantastic! Excellent improvement since last year!” Coach Coran exclaimed, smacking him on the back with a proud smile. Lance slowly started to grin in relief when he heard that, until Coran continued. “You know… Colleen actually swam butterfly in her time in collegiate swimming. I think I’ll have you and a couple others do workshops with her to fine tune some of your skills in the fly.”

Lance tried to keep his smile from faltering as he nodded. “Oh, okay… sounds good, I guess.”

“Excellent. I’ll see what I can do about setting up a schedule for you during practice starting next week.” He blew his whistle and then clapped his hands. “Alright, let’s start tryouts. Everyone is participating since this is still a practice, but if you’re aiming for varsity, we’re timing you seriously. Form even lines across the lanes please; returning members in the back.”

As Lance moved towards the back of the pack of students, he was full-blown scowling.

“Damn. Did I have a negative split or something?” Lance asked a couple of last year’s varsity members, a little panicked that maybe he’d given the wrong impression by not taking it as seriously as he should have. “What did he mean by workshop?”

Luka shrugged. “I don’t know? You looked great to me. Clean strokes, and people were whispering about how gracefully you swim. But Coach Holt did say something to Coran while you were swimming, and he kept checking his watch.”

“Oh God… I think I really did screw up.”

Not to mention Lance didn’t want to work with Dr. Holt on _fly_ of all things. He freakin’ hated it. He even liked breaststroke better than butterfly and that was saying something because breaststroke was easily his worst stroke.

But his thoughts were largely interrupted when Coran blew the whistle and the first people hopped in the water to start the first of sixteen reps.

“Lance, don’t worry about it. I’m sure if they wanted something different from you, they would have said something.” Shay squeezed his shoulder gently before turning to watch the swimmers.

She was right, but how else was he supposed to interpret that comment about the workshop? It sounded like a subtle way of telling him he sucked ass.

Lance slapped his cheeks twice, deciding not to dwell on that one blunder. Today had been a shit day from the start—which sucked because his weekend had been amazing—but he wasn’t going to let it affect his usually stellar swimming.

One hour of practice left, so he’d make sure he put his all into it.

* * *

klunkidge FTW!

_October 8, 2035, 20:27_

**Sugarbear™:** **@Keith Kogane @loverboy** hey, what are the limits?  
 **Keith Kogane:** If you’re talking about my glorious booty hole  
 **loverboy:** we are decidedly not.  
 **Keith Kogane:** the limit does not exist  
 **Sugarbear™:** -_-;  
 **Sugarbear™:** are you high?  
 **Keith Kogane:** straight zooted  
 **Sugarbear™:** for shame, Keith  
 **Keith Kogane:** Anyway calc hmwk’s not due until wed  
 **Keith Kogane:** why stress  
 **Sugarbear™:** bc lance and I have a lit paper due that day  
 **Keith Kogane:** So you’re slacking  
 **Sugarbear™:** naturally  
 **Keith Kogane:** Okay, I’ll do the first 5 and you guys do the other 10  
 **loverboy:** the first 5 are the easiest tho  
 **loverboy:** and hell no  
 **loverboy:** i dont trust u to do problems rn bubblebrain

_October 8, 2035, 20:29_

_pidgeon has logged on._

**Keith Kogane:** Would you relax  
 **Keith Kogane:** I get smarter when I’m high  
 **Keith Kogane:** 2 + 2 is 5 and all that shizz  
 **Sugarbear™:** that’s  
 **Sugarbear™:** not correct  
 **Keith Kogane:** Who appointed you the math police  
 **loverboy:** orrrrr  
 **loverboy:** and hear me out  
 **loverboy:** we could pay pidgey to do it?  
 **pidgeon:** There are different kinds of nerds you know.  
 **pidgeon:** I’m a science nerd; don’t insult me  
 **pidgeon:** Even though I totally can.  
 **pidgeon:** I just don’t wanna.  
 **loverboy:** boooooo  
 **Keith Kogane:** boooooo  
 **Sugarbear™:** boooooo  
 **loverboy:** throw us a bone here  
 **loverboy:** im your best friend!  
 **pidgeon:** I’m not bound by notions of friendship with you.  
 **pidgeon:** There’s no benefit.  
 **Sugarbear™:** lolol OUCH  
 **Keith Kogane:** roasted  
 **loverboy:** ill have you know  
 **loverboy:** that i offer a lot in our friendship!  
 **pidgeon:** Like what?  
 **pidgeon:** The annual concussion you give me?  
 **Sugarbear™:** or that time he lost your fave clock radio  
 **pidgeon:** Yeah. Or when you sat on my project and broke it.  
 **loverboy:** cant help that my ass is phat  
 **Keith Kogane:** When he took 10$ out of my wallet.  
 **loverboy:** thats not even related!  
 **loverboy:** and since ur clearly suffering from SELECTIVE memory syndrome  
 **loverboy:** im emailing you a list pidge!  
 **pidgeon:** Good luck with that.

_October 8, 2035, 20:33_

_loverboy changed pidgeon to OptimusPrimeRib_

_loverboy changed Keith Kogane to queefkeef_

**queefkeef:** ?  
 **loverboy:** it’s cute cuz it rhymes  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Makes absolutely no sense in any way.  
 **loverboy:** let me have this  
 **loverboy:** swim practice was rough today  
 **queefkeef:** Speaking of pools…  
 **queefkeef:** Remember our chant from 5th grade  
 **queefkeef:** Lance pooped his pants~  
 **loverboy:** istg keith  
 **Sugarbear™:** lmbo yeah!  
 **Sugarbear™:** and then we would make fart noises everytime he stood from his seat at house meetings  
 **loverboy:** STFU  
 **loverboy:** THAT WAS A TRAUMATISING TIME IN MY YOUNG, NUBILE, PRE-PUBESCENT LIFE  
 **loverboy:** AND THE DETRIMENT TO MY FUTURE REPUTATION AS A POTENTIAL SEX SYMBOL  
 **loverboy:** NO ONE WANTED A FIRST KISS WITH ME  
 **loverboy: 😭😭😭**  
 **Sugarbear™:** willa sherman wanted to kiss you at the sadie hawkins dance  
 **loverboy:** my first kiss was NOT gonna be w/ headgear girl  
 **loverboy:** who the hell would want an unintended snakebite piercing from walrus willa  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Beggars can’t really be choosers  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** esp when they shit themselves in pools.  
 **loverboy:** YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE  
 **queefkeef:** We get it  
 **queefkeef:** Lay off caps mr grumpy poopie pants  
 **queefkeef:** Making my damn vision hazy  
 **Sugarbear™:** pretty sure that’s the smoke??  
 **queefkeef:** ah. right  
 **Sugarbear™:** if it makes you feel better  
 **Sugarbear™:** you actually destroyed your reputation way before, my guy  
 **loverboy:** that doesnt.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** What a bunch of fools.  
 **queefkeef:** You’re just mad you missed that era  
 **Sugarbear™:** one of the greatest things to happen at this school tbh  
 **loverboy:** *WORST  
 **queefkeef:** You screwed lance pidge  
 **queefkeef:** Nothing else embarrassing af will ever top that  
 **loverboy:** just once i'd like to have a convo where im NOT the stooge  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Not possible.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** It’s just too easy :P

_October 8, 2035, 20:41_

**Sugarbear™:** lance, you’re officially a man.  
 **Sugarbear™:** i’m tearing up  
 **Sugarbear™:** our little lancey grew up!  
 **queefkeef:** Through suspicious circumstances  
 **queefkeef:** (blink twice if you were blackmailed pidge)  
 **Sugarbear™:** pidge getting blackmailed??  
 **Sugarbear™:** unlikely  
 **queefkeef:** You’re right  
 **queefkeef:** She consciously decided to hook up with him  
 **queefkeef:** meaning she actually got turned on by him  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** 1) It wasn’t a hookup like you’re thinking  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** and 2) he’s somewhat attractive when he’s not talking.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I liked his concentration face a lottle.  
 **loverboy:** THANK you.  
 **loverboy:** im a very smexy, smooth talkin’ piece of ass!!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I didn’t say all that…  
 **Sugarbear™:** awww that’s kinda cute  
 **Sugarbear™:** not the gross concentration thing.  
 **Sugarbear™:** the YOUNG LOVE  
 **queefkeef:** I think I’m gonna be sick  
 **loverboy:** anyway technically i became a man on saturday,  
 **loverboy:** not that it matters since dr holt might actually kill me!  
 **loverboy:** shess my coach this year pidge  
 **loverboy:** COACH  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Oh yea.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Forgot to tell you.  
 **loverboy:** and has the audacity to lie  
 **loverboy:** you write EVERYTHING DOWN  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Heh yeah  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** It was revenge since you took off and left me to deal with shit.  
 **Sugarbear™:** still can’t believe pidge’s mom walked in on you  
 **queefkeef:** lmao holy shit  
 **Sugarbear™:** lololol it’s still funny  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** To you maybe.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** My mom wanted details  
 **loverboy:** ALL full details?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** to make sure I was okay throughout.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** She had a good laugh tho.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Choked on her water.  
 **loverboy:** nice to know my teacher knows full details of how bad i was in the sack…  
 **queefkeef:** Hope you got your shots Pidge  
 **loverboy:** thats my line!  
 **loverboy:** her floor was dirty af  
 **Sugarbear™:** floor??  
 **Sugarbear™:** wth were you guys doing on the floor??  
 **queefkeef:** We don’t actually need that answer.  
 **loverboy:** she sucked my soul out of me  
 **loverboy:** like some bj vampira  
 **queefkeef:** disgusting af  
 **queefkeef:** Dinner’s taco def coming back up  
 **Sugarbear™:** i think it’s kinda cute  
 **Sugarbear™:** not the nasty bj bit  
 **Sugarbear™:** the young love and all that!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** stop it  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** now  
 **Sugarbear™:** you two?? totally happening~ 😍  
 **Sugarbear™:** i called it her first week at this school,  
 **Sugarbear™:** didn’t i keith!!  
 **queefkeef:** You did.  
 **queefkeef:** While she was mashing his face in mud  
 **Sugarbear™:** on that day Sept 13 2032, fate played its hand  
 **Sugarbear™:** and ignited the spark of destiny and love  
 **loverboy:** we are not *in love* hunk!  
 **loverboy:** who in the hell would want tobe in a relationship with her  
 **loverboy:** youd have to be a serious sub AND masochist  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** oh my god  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.  
 **Sugarbear™:** wut  
 **queefkeef:** So pidge topped then

_loverboy changed the chat name to Plunk + some freak w/ a mullet._

**loverboy:** for your information, i took charge!

_queefkeef changed the chat name to Lance sucks in bed: confirmed._

**queefkeef:** Proof or it didn’t happen.

_Sugarbear™ changed the chat name to play nice kiddies._

**loverboy:** pidge help me out here!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** You did not take charge but  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** you were adequately improving with each round.  
 **Sugarbear™:** each?!  
 **Sugarbear™:** it was more than once?!!!!  
 **Sugarbear™:** say it with me:  
 **Sugarbear™:** YOUNG  
 **Sugarbear™:** LOVE  
 **queefkeef:** Must have been traumatic  
 **loverboy:** piss off!  
 **loverboy:** both of you  
 **Sugarbear™:** hey!  
 **Sugarbear™:** i’m on your side  
 **loverboy:** you be quiet  
 **loverboy:** you are absolutely not  
 **Sugarbear™:** lol let me have this  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** What the fuck did you tell them, Lance???  
 **queefkeef:** Not all this, that’s for sure  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Okay, goddamn.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** This is the LAST time we’re ever talking about this  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** EVER.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Listen up:  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** it was JUST to get rid of our virginities,  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** he was an absolute dork throughout,  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** first was definitively the worst  
 **loverboy:** eh. ill own it  
 **loverboy:** FORTY SECOND CREW STAND UP  
 **Sugarbear™:** 😂😂😂  
 **queefkeef:** Even my first time in a terrifyinh den of evil wasn’t that bad  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** den of evil?  
 **Sugarbear™:** he means a vagina  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** pffft  
 **loverboy:** you think thats bad  
 **loverboy:** she kicked my nose and made me bleed!  
 **queefkeef:** Don’t you get off on that kind of stuff tho  
 **loverboy:** why tf does everyone assume i’m an M?!  
 **Sugarbear™:** bc your best friend is pidge  
 **queefkeef:** bc your best friend is pidge  
 **loverboy:** shes yours too tf  
 **queefkeef:** yea but semantics  
 **loverboy:** what semantics?!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I gave him an apology bj,  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** and almost threw up the salty spunk when I tried to swallow.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Had to spit it out.  
 **queefkeef:** jfc 🤢  
 **queefkeef:** i AM gonna be sick  
 **Sugarbear™:** lance, drink some pineapple juice  
 **Sugarbear™:** that’s unacceptable.  
 **loverboy:** thats what you’re choosing to focus on??  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** He left half a condom in me.  
 **Sugarbear™:** oh dear  
 **queefkeef:** lmao knowing lance  
 **queefkeef:** that’s not surprising  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** It’s cuz he’s a grower.  
 **loverboy:** i dont think they need all the details pidge!!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** We are currently not on hangout alone terms.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** It was godawful.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I didn’t think it could get worse until my mom walked in on us.  
 **queefkeef:** Does lance have a pickled gherkin  
 **Sugarbear™:** 😂 or a left turn only sign?  
 **loverboy:** heres a thought…  
 **loverboy:** as beautiful and magnificent as it is  
 **loverboy:** how about we NOT talk about my dick??  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** No weird alien shape but  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** champagne cork popped off when I barely touched him.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** weak  
 **loverboy:** HEY  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** His banana is curved for any inquiring minds.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** a nice curve  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** like a cheese puff chip  
 **loverboy:** NOT that particular size tho  
 **Sugarbear™:** lolol  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** and he cleans his foreskin 👍  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** We’re done with this now, yeah?  
 **queefkeef:** PLEASE FFS  
 **queefkeef:** Why would you ever think we'd wanna know that shit?!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Because they’re facts???  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Why wouldn’t you want to know the facts?  
 **queefkeef:** hmm good point  
 **loverboy:** you have no tact  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I can live with that.  
 **loverboy:** i think collectively we are all too close  
 **Sugarbear™:** but lancey!  
 **Sugarbear™:** that's what makes our friendships so beautiful!!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** anyway I g2g  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Wanna finish my shit before study hr ends.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** oh  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** and the last time Lance was actually decent  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I enjoyed it.

 _OptimusPrimeRib_ _has logged off._

 **loverboy: h** ear that?  
 **loverboy:** MAGIC PENIS  
 **queefkeef:** The only magical thing about it is your outrageously bad experience  
 **loverboy:** cn’t hear you over the sound of my MAGIC PEEN

_October 8, 2035, 20:52_

**Sugarbear™:** so what happens next?  
 **loverboy:** whatchu mean  
 **Sugarbear™:** i mean are you guys together now?  
 **Sugarbear™:** hooking up?  
 **Sugarbear™:** dating?  
 **loverboy:** none of those  
 **loverboy:** were not into each other like that  
 **Sugarbear™:** but…  
 **Sugarbear™:** YOUNG LOVE 😢  
 **loverboy:** shes my best friend, hunk  
 **loverboy:** and a terrifying person  
 **loverboy:** were not going down that route  
 **queefkeef:** really  
 **queefkeef:** You guys are okay never doing anything again  
 **loverboy:** well  
 **loverboy:** i wouldnt mind it if thats what youre asking  
 **loverboy:** i mean i am attracted to her somewhat  
 **loverboy:** shes really cute. and she smelled nice  
 **queefkeef:** smelled nice?  
 **queefkeef:** wut?  
 **loverboy:** where it counted i mean  
 **loverboy:** no catfish  
 **queefkeef:** Impossible.  
 **queefkeef:** They’re always traumatising  
 **Sugarbear™:** oh my god  
 **Sugarbear™:** lance she’s going to kill you  
 **loverboy:** but we just wouldnt work like that  
 **loverboy:** she'd make a horrible gf  
 **loverboy:** besides i'm one step closer to my goal of winning over allura!  
 **queefkeef:** lmfao keep dreaming  
 **Sugarbear™:** she’s already graduated  
 **Sugarbear™:** why would she date a high school guy?  
 **loverboy:** bc by the time i approach her,  
 **loverboy:** i’ll be a master at laying pipe  
 **queefkeef:** No offence but that’s a PIPE dream  
 **queefkeef:** See how I did that  
 **queefkeef:** Not as easy as it looks  
 **Sugarbear™:** ooh nice; well done  
 **queefkeef:** thx hunk. I appreciate that  
 **Sugarbear™:** i appreciate YOU  
 **queefkeef:** damn.  
 **queefkeef:** Gonna make me cry  
 **queefkeef:** I appreciate you too, man  
 **loverboy:** im no longer a cherry boy  
 **loverboy:** so by default  
 **loverboy:** im one huge step towards becoming god tier  
 **loverboy:** so ive EARNED my status update

_loverboy changed his name to pussywhisperer_

**pussywhisperer:** Lance McClain, Pussy Whisperer,  
 **pussywhisperer:** taking the world by storm one juicy cooch at a time!  
 **queefkeef:** You absolute genius of a moron lance. I get it  
 **queefkeef:** cuz storms are dangerous  
 **queefkeef:** and so are those tooth-filled holes  
 **pussywhisperer:** what the fuc  
 **pussywhisperer:** no  
 **Sugarbear™:** LOL keith go to bed  
 **queefkeef:** The secrets of the unknown lay undiscovered  
 **queefkeef:** and he suggests I go to bed  
 **queefkeef:** The nerve  
 **pussywhisperer:** what secrets??  
 **pussywhisperer:** wth are you doing rn  
 **queefkeef:** Attempting to discover the limits of my booty hole  
 **pussywhisperer:** shouldnt have asked.  
 **queefkeef:** As stated earlier,  
 **queefkeef:** it doesn’t exist  
 **Sugarbear™:** you know what also doesn’t have a limit?!!!!  
 **Sugarbear™:** my sheer abundance of love for my sweet, sweet shay  
 **Sugarbear™:** she just sent me a text that she finished her hmwk  
 **Sugarbear™:** she’s just so smart it makes me so happy!  
 **Sugarbear™:** i’m gonna spend my free hour before curfew with her loveliness  
 **Sugarbear™:** my beautiful wonderful gf  
 **Sugarbear™:** cream of the crop  
 **Sugarbear™:** a perfect soul  
 **Sugarbear™:** kindness and warmth personified  
 **queefkeef:** Lance.

_pussywhisperer has removed Sugarbear™._

**pussywhisperer:** needs a damn time out.  
 **queefkeef:** So does my glorious booty  
 **queefkeef:** One good-looking piece of beef  
 **queefkeef:** Hold on a sec  
 **queefkeef:** I’ll send a pic

_pussywhisperer has removed queefkeef._

**pussywhisperer:** i need new friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit 24.06.20 --> worked out how to tweak the text message sections; might still look a little odd, but for the most part it's cleaned up  
> edit 23.10.20 --> tweaked some time-related issues in the fake schedule to be more coherent w/ future scenes and activities huzzah!


	2. Tues Oct 9, 2035

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time to procrastinate
> 
> 1 more prologue chapter to go then i'll proceed w/ the plot

**Why my glorious friendship is important!!**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [cholt1@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:cholt1@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 07:22

You asked for it Katie Holt.

why your friendship with me is a benefit to you – a comprehensive list by Lance Sexy Pants McClain

10 I’m fuckin’ awesome (self-explanatory of course)  
9 I make you laugh and you’re a grumpy butt so that’s a huge feat!  
8 I introduced you to Voltron which has since become your favourite band  
7 Half the hoodies in my closet have been stolen and are in your room hidden in your piles of disgusting BO infested stank.  
6 I do your hair sometimes for parties and it always looks good!  
5 McClain Massages: ‘nuff said.  
4 I keep you from breaking laws!!  
3 I consider you my nerd wifey, so that comes with all the benefits, like depleting my wallet with your bad shopping habits of buying robot parts and tool kits for your mad scientist habits.  
2 Also includes buying you food out in town  
1 I made you a woman. Where’s your gratitude, miss missy?!

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming  
Newspaper Club, Editor  
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid  
Class of 2036

* * *

“It’s 8:33. House meeting was supposed to commence three minutes ago, guys. So shut the hell up,” James barked, rapping his ruler against the wall by the fireplace at the head of the room. The chatter in the lounge gradually dissipated, though most of them looked cross when they turned their attention to the two prefects at the front. “We have twenty minutes to get this senior shit sorted out so stay on task.”

Keith snorted around a mouthful of cereal. “Why do you even need a ruler?”

“To chuck at the idiots who can’t keep their mouths shut. McClain comes to mind here.”

Lance glanced up from unwrapping his granola bar, affronted. “Man, I just want to eat my damn breakfast in peace.”

“No violence.” Shay tsked, looking disturbed. “What James is _trying_ to say is that we cherish you guys as our fellow seniors and would like this meeting to go as smoothly as possible so everyone feels appreciated and valued when discussing our options.”

“Now that’s just a blatant lie.” James crossed his arms in front of his chest, shrugging unapologetically when she shot him a look. “This meeting would work best if disruptive people weren’t even here at all. And then there are some of you fucks that don’t suggest anything, but want to complain about the choices after the fact. Just as useless.”

“Who in the hell thought it was a good idea to appoint _him_ as a prefect?” Lance leaned over and whispered to Hunk who was largely oblivious to the complaint since he’d caught Shay’s eye and blew her a kiss. She giggled and ducked her head a bit as she pretended to catch it and hold it close to her heart.

Lance scooted his beanbag chair away from him and closer to Keith.

No one needed to see that shit this early in the morning.

“The point is,” Colleen interjected from her perch curled up in the lounging chaise at the front of the room, customary cuppa in her kitty mug in hand, “that you all are seniors and almost done with high school and as the leaders of our House, you have to uphold the traditions of our previous seniors. Each House’s seniors come up with a prank, a theme for the House spirit week competition, and our senior gift. I know it’s not until the end of the year, but we wanted to get an early start for brainstorming. This meeting has convened simply to get some ideas together.”

“We’re clearly going to need an early start since frickin’ James will shut down any fun ideas,” Lance muttered. “What a buzzkill.”

“I heard that.”

Keith snickered, shaking his head as he texted someone and absentmindedly slurping from his bowl. Lance had been planning to skip this house meeting like he’d done breakfast for a chance to sleep in, but today’s meeting was just their year House Arus students, and Keith and Hunk liked to troll him with false information so no way was he about to miss something potentially important. It sucked his perfect morning nap was interrupted, but it was no matter. He still had two free periods that morning to sleep to his heart’s content.

“Ooh! Ooh!” Hunk raised his hand. “What if we decorated the school in red heart balloons and turned it into Love Land?”

“Booboo Bear,” Shay said with a dreamy smile. “You’re such a romantic.”

“That is the absolute _worst_ idea I’ve ever heard,” James scoffed. There were murmurs of agreement in the room by others. “What is the matter with you?”

Lance rested an arm behind his head as he munched on his bar. “For once, we’re in agreement…”

“Hey! I thought his idea was cute!” Shay planted her hands on her hips. “Sometimes wholesome pranks are okay! They don’t have to be crude.”

“I mean, James has a point. We need better ideas than this.” Luka drawled as she scribbled rapidly on a worksheet that was clearly due that day. “What about tried and true all the furniture in the upper school ends up on the field prank?”

“That’s been done to death,” Lance groaned. “We need fresh ideas if we wanna win. Oooh! We could flood the school and ride—”

“No.”

“Or ride kayaks off the—”

“No.”

“Let me finish, dammit!” Lance barked and James rolled his eyes.

“How about a colour everything red with removable paint and glitter and other stuff to symbolise the colour of love!” Hunk said, waving his hands excitedly.

There was silence in the room for several beats as everyone turned and stared at Hunk with looks of utter disgust.

“I’m writing you up for these stupid ass ideas,” James said.

“Well ‘scuse me for liking cute things! Not my fault you’re all crabapples! You know, maybe you guys wouldn’t be so pissy all the time if you opened your hearts to love!”

“Romance rots your brain. Exhibit A.”

Hunk pouted, crossing his arms over his chest and muttering under his breath.

“Shay is about to fight you, James,” Kinkade called out from his seat in the corner where he’d been largely ignoring the meeting to review flash cards.

Colleen sighed as the chattering started up again. She looked completely unimpressed. “Remember that these are your housemates and people you have been in school with for years. Let’s be respectful to each other. So how about we instead do a suggestion box?”

“Any suggestions involving fire will be instantly rejected,” James added staunchly, and then turned to Lance.

“Why _the_ _fuck_ are you looking at me when you say that?!”

 _“Because you set the lounge on fire,”_ everyone pretty much said in unison.

“No I did not! Why can’t bygones be bygones? First of all, that was last year, and technically it was Keith’s fault!”

Keith slurped at his milk. “Don’t drag me into this.”

“Enough. All of you.” Colleen pinched the bridge of her nose as she rose from her seat. “Everyone, email Shay and James your suggestions for pranks, spirit week, and the senior gift. Or me, if you’d like. I’m adjourning this house meeting seeing as how I doubt we’ll get anything done. Shay, James, I’d like to review the event calendar with you both. The rest of you, make sure you’re on time for your classes.”

Lance wasn’t worried. Marco had bequeathed him his treasure trove notebook of perfect prank ideas and once Lance received it in the mail, he would definitely have some fresh ideas of how to liven up his final year of school.

McClains had a reputation to uphold at the academy too. As Grade A troublemakers.

He would make sure to live up to his family name.

* * *

😘 Miss Robo GeekAssNerd 🔪🤓❤️  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

Look man.   
Sent 08:47   


Do you understand that if you   
had fucked up typing my email,   
my mom would have gotten it   
instead?   
Sent 08:47   


It hadn’t crossed my mind, no.  
Sent 08:48

Moron. Use my hacking email!   
Sent 08:48   


But is my list not the most  
miraculous thing you’ve ever  
seen?!   
Sent 08:49

You have no idea how true 3 is.   
Sent 08:49   


“I consider you my nerd wifey,   
so that comes with all the   
benefits”   
Sent 08:50   


Including boring, bad, and   
uninspired sex. And constantly   
making me clean up your   
messes.   
Sent 08:52   


Oh c’mon. One bad time  
doesn’t count.  
Sent 08:53

One gwahahahahahaha   
Sent 08:53   


You expressed much   
appreciation my darling nerd!  
Sent 08:55

Eh jury’s still out on 1 tho. Your   
performance more than   
disqualifies you.   
Sent 08:56   


That was a benefit of our  
friendship tho. No other guys  
would do that for you  
Sent 08:57

9 is def right, but not the way   
you’re probs thinking   
Sent 08:58   


You make a good subject for   
stories tho hehe   
Sent 08:59   


So thanks   
Sent 08:59   


Say what you want. You were  
enjoying it before shit went  
south.   
Sent 09:01

Shit went south from the   
moment you pulled your tighty   
wighties down, wut   
Sent 09:02   


Sir Lance McPecker will not  
stand for this slander, wench.  
Apologise to him!  
Sent 09:03

go to class you doofy dork   
Sent 09:03   


double free~ no class until  
10:45. going back to sleep  
Sent 09:04

Lance the loon   
Sent 09:09   


Loony lance   
Sent 09:11   


Loontown Lance   
Sent 09:15   


* * *

Lance regarded Dr. Holt as a frightening professor due to her personal vendetta against him, but the scariest teacher by far was Sendak. And as Lance raced through the halls of Venus, he started wondering how badly this man would twist him like a pretzel for being late to his class. The late bell had rung two minutes ago, and here he was, scurrying to get to class before a hall monitor caught him and wrote him up.

It wasn’t even his fault. His Spanish teacher spent five minutes lecturing them about how badly most of the class had done on the test and how he expected them to read all required stories. Honestly, their class was post AP, but the man was giving them material way above their level. Lance had an advantage in that he already knew the language and he was good at literary analysis, and coasting by in class was awesome, but being lectured with everyone else got on his nerves. Especially when class time ran over. And his teacher was the type who believed in crap like “the bell doesn’t dismiss you; I do”.

The entire Vid class was eerily silent when he walked in, mostly because they were watching some silent film when he walked in, and Lance slowed his pace, glancing around the room. There were a bunch of guys in the class, but sadly, not a single girl except for some goth girl who was in House Balmera. She was cute, but he was lowkey scared of her dead eye stare. Not for the first time, he lamented losing his previous perfect elective and most especially the totally hot babes.

He spotted Sendak sitting in the back of the class, tree trunk arms crossed in front of his chest as he watched the film, and Lance approached him with wary steps. Sendak was such a bizarre guy. He didn’t have a full name on his faculty info so they didn’t know if Sendak was his first or last name. Just Sendak. A hairy, burly man who looked like he did bench presses with tanks just for fun. The strangest thing about him was the one red monocle he kept over his eye. And rumour had it he was a cyborg because some said they’d seen him with a detachable cybernetic arm. Of course, some rumours were utterly batshit, but there were others Lance fully believed.

Like for one, how Sendak was descended from wolves.

Lance stopped in front of him. “Hiya. I’m a transfer from the cancelled psych elective.”

“Name,” he grunted, eyes not straying from the film.

“Lance McClain.”

“You didn’t show yesterday.”

“GI issues.”

A tried and true excuse. Possibly gross enough that no one wanted any more info and potentially bad enough that no one questioned the need to skip class for it. But mild enough that recovery in one day made sense. Sure, it meant fucking up his silky suave rep a little more, but as long as no smokin’ hot babes heard him, he was cool.

“Find an available seat. That’s your film partner.”

The only one left was by Kinkade to Lance’s relief since it was someone he kind of already knew. They’d never hung out or really talked, and they were in different friend groups entirely, but he was in his House and they’d been at this school the same number of years.

“Yo,” Lance saluted as he plopped in the adjacent seat and Kinkade nodded at him in greeting. “Looks like we’re seat buddies now.”

“You,” Sendak gruffed, “explain to him the class and get him caught up. And then shut up and watch the film.”

“Basically,” Kinkade muttered, opening up a folder to show Lance the schedule on the syllabus, “each group turns in a five minute film every week and we have to write a short discussion response due Friday about each other’s works. This one is a social commentary on the futility of life.”

It was a leaf on a rock.

“Whoever turned this in clearly procrastinated.”

Kinkade snorted. “When in doubt, film anything and call it a social commentary.”

“One of _those_ classes, I see…” Lance tugged off his blazer and draped it over the back of his chair. “Kind of a dry class.”

“Eh. Sendak does get pretty emotional about film and theatre. Three years ago, some student apparently made him cry over her final project.”

“There’s no fucking way that’s true.”

“I don’t believe it either, but most teachers at this school are batshit, so who knows.” Kinkade shrugged. He didn’t have to tell Lance twice. If they let mob boss Dr. Holt teach here, there was no way this school was sane. “Anyway, this is a film theory and videography dual semester elective, with first semester focusing more on the theories in film.”

“Ya don’t say…”

“Smartass.” The corner of Kinkade’s mouth quirked up. “And the second builds upon our foundation to apply filming techniques to our creations. Assignments are all short responses. Sendak hates slipshod work though, so careful with that. He’ll fail you if he thinks you half-assed.”

“At least it’s an easy A. Also, I’m Lance, by the way,” he said, holding out his hand. “We’ve never _formally_ met.”

Kinkade looked amused as he shook it. “We’ve been in school together for years, McClain. I know who you are. We all do. You’re pool guy. That’s unforgettable.”

“Oh my— It was a bad burrito! Do you know I suffered for an entire school year of stupid, immature kids taunting ‘Lance pooped his pants~’?”

“It was catchy and it rhymed. You were doomed from the start.”

“Both of you shut your traps,” Sendak barked from the back of the room, loud enough that Lance swore the windows rattled.

Lance glanced over his shoulder, then ducked his head down and lowered his voice. “Hard to believe he’s the drama teacher. Doesn’t fit his image.”

“I think it has to do with his way of directing. He runs a tight ship.”

“Tight and dangerous. Is it not strange to you why most of the field hockey and soccer chicks all become dangerous once they join either of the teams? _And_ they make your life hell too.”

“I see you’re well acquainted with Nadia…”

“Rizavi? Well, yeah. She’s my Goofball Protégé, but nah, I’m talking about Katie.”

“Your girlfriend?”

“ _Henh_?”

“Colleen’s kid. People think she’s your girlfriend.”

“What? _Hell no._ I’m not insane.” Lance scoffed and shook his head. “People think we’re together?”

“You guys are always flirting in the lounge.”

“That’s not flirting. Just because she’s basically my nerd wife doesn’t mean we’re together.” Kinkade’s brows furrowed, confusion evident in his expression, but Lance waved it off with a sigh. He wouldn’t get it even if Lance explained. “Anyway it doesn’t matter. My point is this is behavioural conditioning at its finest. The team members watch his violent tendencies and pick up the same habits. Rumour has it that during a game, Sendak picked up one of the moms from the opposing team who wouldn’t shut up about a call by the ref and tossed her over the bleachers onto a car! And _dented_ the roof!”

Kinkade’s brows furrowed. “And you… you really believe that rumour?”

“It’s more believable than him crying. _Look_ at him! Guys that gigantic are either dangerous ex-sergeant coaches who flip tractor tires or they’re porn stars.”

“You damn Leos and your dramatics.”

“When kids at this school start disappearing, you know who to suspect. Because I promise you he probably ate them or something.”

Kinkade stared at him blankly for a few beats.

“Let’s meet up tonight in the Arus lounge to film for this week’s theme,” he finally said.

“My suspicions might very well save the school, and you’re electing to ignore them?!”

“I hear you.” He nodded, a sarcastic look of understanding on his face. “But that’s stupid as fuck, so yes.”

Sendak suddenly growled behind them, and they stopped talking and immediately went back to watching the utterly boring shite, not wanting to endanger their lives any further than they already had.

* * *

😘 Miss Robo GeekAssNerd 🔪🤓❤️  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

Goofy goober   
Sent 11:43   


Wacky wombat   
Sent 11:43   


Kooky kangaroo   
Sent 11:43   


Batty bandicoot   
Sent 11:44   


* * *

**Prank suggestion**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org), [sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 12:59

We fill every toilet in the entire school to the brim with colourful ping pong balls!

I know, I know. Perfect suggestion. No need to thank me.

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming  
Newspaper Club, Editor  
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Prank suggestion**

From: [jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org), [sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 12:59

No.

James Griffin  
House Arus – Prefect  
Disciplinary Council – Student Chair  
Student Council – President  
Debate Team – Co-Captain  
Varsity Tennis – Captain  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Prank suggestion**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org), [sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 13:00

How are you gonna respond in microseconds and say no. You didn’t even read it!

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming  
Newspaper Club, Editor  
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Prank suggestion**

From: [jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org), [sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 13:00

I don’t need to to know it’s stupid as fuck.

James Griffin  
House Arus – Prefect  
Disciplinary Council – Student Chair  
Student Council – President  
Debate Team – Co-Captain  
Varsity Tennis – Captain  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Prank suggestion**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org), [sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 13:01

Seriously dude???

Wow.

In the words of my 4 yo niece, you’re a poopie head.

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming  
Newspaper Club, Editor  
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Prank suggestion**

From: [jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org), [sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 13:02

What in the world is a poopie head?

James Griffin  
House Arus – Prefect  
Disciplinary Council – Student Chair  
Student Council – President  
Debate Team – Co-Captain  
Varsity Tennis – Captain  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Prank suggestion**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org), [sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 13:02

it’s the pucker part of a dirty anus hole.

of which you are undoubtedly so.

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming  
Newspaper Club, Editor  
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Prank suggestion**

From: [sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:sjohnson@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:jgriffin@galaxygarrison.academy.org), [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
cc: [cholt@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:cholt@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 13:04

Good afternoon!

Thank you for your suggestion of the prank, Lance. I’ve forwarded it to Colleen to include it in our submissions for further review, and we will consider it equally when assessing all our suggested options. Please _disregard_ the prior response.

Since this matter has now been resolved, I invite you both to conclude this correspondence and act your age.

Please and thank you! And don’t be late to study hall! 🙂❤️🌼

Shay J.

House Arus Prefect  
Multicultural Student Affairs Secretary  
Diversity & Inclusion Committee Co-Chair  
Varsity Diving  
Class of 2036

* * *

Teddy BAE 🙌🐻🍯   
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

Lance, Shay has a request that   
you and James cease and desist   
blowing up her inbox with this   
fight. She’s disappointed in you   
Sent 13:04   


if Shay’s mad at you, you know   
you done fucked up   
Sent 13:04   


😞 feelsbadman  
Sent 13:06

Don’t you have a meeting with   
Mont right now?   
Sent 13:07   


Yes.  
Sent 13:07

?   
Sent 13:07   


I maximise the free time and  
show up late so I don’t end up  
having to go to study hall by  
the time the meeting ends  
Sent 13:08

I have a whole system  
Sent 13:08

It’s an art  
Sent 13:09

😓   
Sent 13:09   


you know, I’ve been thinking…  
Sent 13:10

Yes, Lancey?   
Sent 13:16   


keith was hella texting shiro  
during lunch. Barely engaged  
and he kept smiling like a big  
ole dork   
Sent 13:17

Noticed that too. Texting him   
all day actually.   
Sent 13:18   


Is it strange to you that we’ve  
never seen what this elusive  
shiro looks like? Keith won’t  
tell us his full name either  
Sent 13:18

Kinda seems like he’s trying to   
hide him from us…   
Sent 13:18   


You know what this means   
right? We need to spy on keith   
Sent 13:19   


HELL YES. THIS IS WHY YOU’RE  
BAE HUNK   
Sent 13:19

But secretly.   
Sent 13:19   


You know maybe I should do   
the spying alone…   
Sent 13:20   


What? Why?!  
Sent 13:20

Because you’re not subtle 😅   
Sent 13:20   


I WANNA SPY TOO. BOO  
Sent 13:21

Quick question:  
Sent 13:21

Would it be weird to stuff a  
chicken cutlet in my pants?  
Sent 13:21

Depends on the context   
Sent 13:22   


Are you trying to defrost the   
chicken?   
Sent 13:22   


Wtf?  
Sent 13:22

Whomst TF defrosts chicken in  
their pants??   
Sent 13:23

HUNK  
Sent 13:23

DO YOU  
Sent 13:23

DEFORST CHICKEN  
Sent 13:23

IN YOUR PANTS  
Sent 13:23

I don’t! I was asking you!   
Sent 13:23   


OMGEE   
Sent 13:24   


Well why were you asking to   
put it in your pants then?!   
Sent 13:24   


I didn’t understand what you   
meant by cutlet!   
Sent 13:24   


To see if it works and makes me  
seem bigger   
Sent 13:25

Don’t you think?  
Sent 13:25

Hunky Bear?  
Sent 13:27

Well, truth be told Lancey,   
Sent 13:28   


Your question is mildly   
unpleasant, so I’m choosing not   
to respond   
Sent 13:29   


Also it was a mistake texting   
you during study hall   
Sent 13:29   


Love you long time ❤️   
Sent 13:29   


HUNK!  
Sent 13:29

Important questions need  
answering! 😭  
Sent 13:30

* * *

[A conversation with Guidance Counsellor Dr. Brenda Montgomery:]

BRENDA: You’re late, Lance.

LANCE: Lasagne at lunch today. Cut me some slack. Plus I had to stall so I can time the end of this meeting with the end of study hall.

BRENDA: Study hall is important, Lance.

LANCE: For what purpose? To teach us to be establishment sheep?

BRENDA: To enforce mild structure for an otherwise unorganised student. We are giving you a chance to be productive during school since many of you all don’t want to do your work in the evenings. Some students need it. Like you. Case in point: late to our meeting. Also late to your 10:45 class. I read the attendance log. And I see you had a double free this morning. What’d you do during it that made you so late?

LANCE: Talked to Pidge. Slept like a baby. The _correct_ way to spend a free period.

BRENDA: You could have used it to be proactive with your schoolwork. That way you go to bed on time and you wake up refreshed _and_ you’re not late to class.

LANCE: With all due respect, that’s just bizarre. I swear this is the best schedule I’ve ever had! Except my study hall proctor being Iverson which I’m glad to miss so thank you for scheduling our correspondence during my study hall!

BRENDA: You need the discipline, Lance.

LANCE: How rude! I’ve been on my best behaviour all year!

BRENDA: You and I both know that’s a lie. And this is right around the time you start getting… _ideas_. No ruckus this year.

LANCE: Can’t promise that. I am seventeen going on eighteen~

BRENDA: Next July.

LANCE: My point is I’m supposed to be an irresponsible high school senior before adulthood hits me!

BRENDA: Teenagers… How was your first practice yesterday?

LANCE: Awesome! Did well at tryouts. Hoping to make captain. Pretty sure I’m varsity again though.

BRENDA: Well deserved. Your coach at club contacted me. Told me you made major improvements over the summer and he looks forward to hearing about your final season this school year.

LANCE: Man. That sounds so dang bleak. It’s not like I’m never swimming again.

BRENDA: I take it you haven’t had any pool incidents lately?

LANCE: When will people just let that go already?!

BRENDA: When you’ve been at this school for as long as you have, Lance, something like that becomes part of your legacy.

LANCE: I want a new one.

BRENDA: Be glad yours is better than Marco’s. At least you didn’t get expelled for fermenting apple cider in your room closet to make booze. And growing cannabis in gardening club didn’t help either.

LANCE: Gotta love that brother of mine.

BRENDA: He was a troublemaker.

LANCE: He was a _genius_. And you guys don’t even know half the stuff he pulled and got away with. His idea notebook of school pranks is legendary!

BRENDA: I hope you don’t start pulling the same pranks, Lance. You’re off to a good start this year. Let’s keep it that way.

LANCE: I’ll be on my best behaviour, B.

BRENDA: Considering you are a _McClain_ , somehow? I doubt that’ll be the case. _Moving on_. Let’s chat. Your advisor is handling your college application process, so I wanted to speak to you about actual school. Family doing okay? Mental health good?

LANCE: Yupp. No complaints here. Veronica’s girlfriend proposed last week. And my sister-in-law is pregnant again. And I had the best weekend ever that elevated my status as a man!

BRENDA: Well congrats to them both, but I’m just going to pretend like I don’t know what you’re talking about regarding that third point. In any case, if your status changes at any point, don’t hesitate to contact me.

LANCE: My status as a man?

BRENDA: Your mental health status, Lance. Pay attention. Anyway, I spoke to you at the beginning of the year about your requirements for graduation, right?

LANCE: Yeah. Can’t fail anything this semester.

BRENDA: I’m pleased to report you’re good to go on all academics so far. Midterms will likely be good as well. Your leadership experience is great as a Peer Leader, and you’ve been part of newspaper club since last year, so the school involvement will amplify your application. You’ve been on the swim team since junior high as well, so that longevity and commitment looks great. In fact, as long as you don’t do something stupid to get you expelled, you’ll be good.

LANCE: Dodged a bullet there…

BRENDA: What?

LANCE: What.

BRENDA: No, _you_ said something just now.

LANCE: No I didn’t.

BRENDA: …

BRENDA: As I was saying… you’re good to go on your application with everything, but one. Have you thought about where to fulfil your volunteering reqs?

LANCE: We have volunteering reqs?

BRENDA: Yes, Lance. Forty hours needed to graduate. As specified when you all started high school.

LANCE: And… uhhh… how many do I have so far?

BRENDA: Currently? Hmm, take this and that… round the three… uhhh… let’s see. That would be… _zero_ , Lance. You have zero.

LANCE: Okay, you’re adorable, but the snark, I could really do without.

BRENDA: My apologies…

LANCE: Apology accepted. Where am I supposed to volunteer, anyway?

BRENDA: Most people join in and do the service projects posted up on the school boards or check the upperschool email server. Your prefects have more of those resources since they help organise those projects. Pick one, stick with it for the rest of the year every weekend, and you’ll have your hours in no time.

LANCE: …Urgh but they’re so _boring_. Why can’t we do service at a strip club or something? That’s more in my area of expertise.

BRENDA: Lance.

LANCE: Kidding~

BRENDA: Look. I advise all seniors. You’re not the only one who hasn’t gotten started. You have tons of time. Here’s our list of some general projects we take large groups for. Look into them. It’s already October, and the year is going to end before you know it.

LANCE: Okay… but seriously, why isn’t there a strip club option here?

BRENDA: _Lance_.

LANCE: Sorry. Last one. Promise. I’ll get right to work on this.

BRENDA: I’m giving you a deadline of Friday. Send me your choice bright and early.

LANCE: If by bright and early, you mean thirty minutes before the end of the school day, then absolutely!

BRENDA: Get out.

* * *

It wasn’t like he didn’t want to do volunteering at all. But as he trudged down the hall and skimmed the list, none of the available projects interested him as a longterm project, and he was too lazy to start researching all the projects posted on the school boards.

Animal stuff was cool and all, except he spent whole summers helping on the farm. Food and clothes drives he could do, but he wouldn’t be able to have longevity with those hours available. Storytime at the public library in town had the same issue with longevity. The soup kitchen was extremely far, and he had no doubt it was one of the most popular volunteering experiences, so no doubt all slots filled up. Tutoring youths was probably pretty selective as far as grades went and while Lance was not bottom of the barrel, he was ranked solidly in the third quartile of his class, so not exactly a genius to be instructing others on school stuff.

(Plus he’d fucked up trig and algebra so he doubted he could even help with that).

He wanted to do something out of his comfort zone, spontaneous, and fun. Plus it’d be great if there were cute girls for good times flirting, but he needed people he could vibe with to make it fun. Something he could participate in that wouldn’t interfere with his energy for his sport. And he was one of those people who preferred volunteering where he could make a more immediate impact in someone else’s life, as selfish as it kind of sounded.

In any case, he had to get on this.

The sooner he got the requirements done, the sooner he could go back to being a lazy slob on the weekends.

* * *

😘 Miss Robo GeekAssNerd 🔪🤓❤️  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

Nutty nectarine   
Sent 13:43   


Dippy Dopey duck   
Sent 13:43   


Silly salami sloth   
Sent 13:43   


My dearest nerd love:  
Sent 13:44

STAHP.  
Sent 13:44

Are you bored or smth??  
Sent 13:45

Yeah man   
Sent 13:45   


You weren’t in study hall today   
Sent 13:46   


Counselling meeting with Mont  
Sent 13:46

And we’re literally about to see  
each other in physics!  
Sent 13:46   


I forgot   
Sent 13:47   


Happy to see me much~  
Sent 13:47

Cuz you always have snax in   
your bag and my stomach’s a   
growlin’. Need to be fed. What’s   
for snax today?   
Sent 13:47   


We just had lunch  
Sent 13:48

An hour ago. I’m hangry   
Sent 13:48   


Why do you eat so much?  
Sent 13:48

I'm a growing girl   
Sent 13:48   


According to your height for the  
past several years, you are not.  
Sent 13:49

You wanna die?   
Sent 13:49   


Not particularly  
Sent 13:49

There goes the bell. Lmao we’re  
late   
Sent 13:50

Ryner doesn’t care. Review   
today   
Sent 13:50   


Shut up and feed me! Grawr!!   
Sent 13:50   


Is that all I amount to you?!  
Food?!   
Sent 13:51

Pretty much   
Sent 13:51   


Why must you treat me so 😟  
Sent 13:51

It's not personal.   
My need for food overrides my   
need for companionship   
Sent 13:52   


Does that make you feel better?   
Sent 13:52   


NO.  
Sent 13:52

* * *

For all the crazy strict teachers in this school, Ryner was the exact opposite: chill, lax, and easygoing. The science teacher equivalent of a typical art teacher. She didn’t even care that half the students turned up after late bell had already rung, and she definitely didn’t care when Pidge sauntered in a good ten minutes later, when they’d already been situated and begun their classwork for the day.

Then again, Pidge was her absolute favourite student in the world; she could accidentally blow up the lab and Ryner would probably have stars in her eyes. It rocked being Pidge’s lab partner and desk neighbour. All of that good will extended towards him as well.

Some days, when Ryner was on a breakthrough of one of her pondered physics questions, she handed them a worksheet of problems that they were to do on their own due by the end of class. She didn’t particularly care if people worked on it together as long as they weren’t obvious and loud during it. It was easy additional points that went towards their lab grade. Pidge usually helped him solve the problems and he managed to get a passing score on them as well. This was easily one of the worst classes for him to take considering he hated physics and he barely understood it, but he never got the chance to have classes with Pidge, and since this was his last year, he figured it would be a great chance to take a class with his best friend before he went off to college.

“That’s the wrong equation. Angular frequency, Lance.” Pidge pulled out her chair and plopped in it in a heap, dressed in her game day trainers and field hockey jersey. “It’s rotation. And make sure your calculator is on radians.”

He was about to object, seeing as how she’d barely even looked at the problem, but when he glanced up, he almost did a double take, surprised because she’d brushed up her hair and styled it. Plus she had a bright smile on her face, which was such a difference from her usual deadpan that he kind of stared. He honestly hadn’t seen her since Saturday since he hadn’t spotted her at lunch, so he was kind of taken aback with the change in her signature tangled locks. He was glad she was around again though. Nothing beat hanging out with her.

“What’s with the bun?” he asked, reaching out and tugging on a tendril of hair framing her cheek.

“It’s been like this since yesterday.” She moved away from his prodding hand and dug into his bag to grab a bag of cookies. “Just wanted to try something new for a bit.”

“Gremlin chic is a great look though. Oh wait, I get it. Your mom forced you to bathe kicking and screaming. Tell the truth: do you have lice?”

“You never fail to make me question this friendship.”

"Love you too, Pidgeotto."

She shook her head with a roll of her eyes and went to work on the worksheet, chewing on the eraser end of her pencil as she read the first question. He liked messing with her, but he honestly did like the way it looked on her. It fit her face shape well and made her eyes more noticeable. Pidge really was an understated cutie in an unexpected way.

“You got number three wrong too,” she muttered, leaning over and tapping on the diagram. “Tension for a pulley is on both sides of the string.”

“Peach shampoo. Not a bad choice.”

“Stop sniffing my hair, and do your work, Lance…”

“It’s just so _clean_! I’m shocked at the transformation. Let me run my fingers in it!” Pidge wrinkled her nose as she tried to pry his hands away from her head, though he redoubled his efforts to slide his fingers in her hair. She was no match for his long, lanky limbs and spider fingers. “And I have a great idea. Why don’t you do the work, and I’ll just copy? Everybody wins.”

“Quit it, you doofus.” She gave up and slumped, glowering at him as he oohed and aahed over the (for once) silky soft strands. “And that’s fine. If you want me to own you for the next couple days…”

“Own me, huh?” he waggled his eyebrows.

She turned her attention back to the worksheet, aggravation evident, but Lance didn’t feel like doing work at all. He leaned back in his chair, hands locked behind his head as he watched Ryner work out some complicated physics mumbojumbo on the marker board at the head of the room.

“Swamp gremlin.”

“Hmm?” she muttered absentmindedly as she munched on a cookie.

“If you could have your first time with anyone else, who would it have been with?” he whispered, leaning over so the people at the tables near them couldn’t hear.

Pidge glanced at him in confusion for a second. “Not sure. I was pretty indifferent, even when you asked me. I assumed it wasn’t going to happen.”

“Why? You’re pretty cute.” Lance cleared his throat. “You know, for a nerd and all.”

“Okay…” She snorted. “What a pointless compliment. Do your work.”

“I’ll do my work as soon as you have the answers ready. Hey. What’s your fuck, marry, kill in our bestie group?”

“Marry Hunk, fuck Keith, kill you,” she said without hesitation, talking around a mouthful of mushed cookie.

Her response was _completely_ unacceptable.

“ _Qwut_?!!” he hissed, offended by her choice and jaw dropping in disbelief. “Why would you pick Keith over me?! I have more sex appeal than Keith! I'm closer to you than Keith is!”

“It’s the soulful eyes. They suck you right in.”

“Unbelievable! Hold up.”

* * *

*NORMIE SENIORS UNITE*

_October 9, 2035, 14:07_

**loverboy:** fuck marry kill! our besties group! go!  
 **Keith Kogane:** What are you on about now  
 **loverboy:** i’m vulnerable!  
 **Sugarbear™:** what brought this on??  
 **loverboy:** is it so strange that i want to know?! answer me!!  
 **loverboy:** **@Keith Kogane** **@Sugarbear™  
** **loverboy:** **@Keith Kogane** **@Sugarbear™  
** **loverboy:** **@Keith Kogane** **@Sugarbear™  
** **loverboy:** **@Keith Kogane** **@Sugarbear™  
** **loverboy:** **@Keith Kogane** **@Sugarbear™  
** **loverboy:** **@Keith Kogane** **@Sugarbear™  
** **Keith Kogane:** stfu!  
 **loverboy:** don’t get mad at me! all you had to do was answer my original question!  
 **Sugarbear™:** lol trust me. He won’t stop until we humour him  
 **Keith Kogane:** damn! fine!  
 **Keith Kogane:** marry hunk  
 **Keith Kogane:** whole package  
 **Keith Kogane:** and he can cook  
 **Sugarbear™:** much obliged 😘  
 **loverboy:** and the rest?  
 **Keith Kogane:** fuck pidge I guess, if I had to fuck a girl  
 **Keith Kogane:** and kill you. self-explanatory.  
 **loverboy:** you have the option NOT TO fuck a girl  
 **loverboy:** i’m a choice too!  
 **Keith Kogane:** Which is why I kill you.  
 **Keith Kogane:** Get with the programme.  
 **loverboy:** THAT MAKES NO SENSE  
 **loverboy:** hunk?!  
 **Sugarbear™:** marry shay 😍  
 **Keith Kogane:** lmaoooo  
 **loverboy:** not the options presented; that doesn’t count  
 **Sugarbear™:** ummm I don’t think this is a very nice game  
 **loverboy:** ANSWER  
 **loverboy:** ANSWER NOW  
 **Sugarbear™:** marry pidge bc we’re science soulmates  
 **Sugarbear™:** fuck keith  
 **Sugarbear™:** and kill you I’m so sorry!!! 😭  
 **Sugarbear™:** it’s just that keith’s got those soulful eyes  
 **loverboy:** YOU BOTH SUCK

* * *

🦁 👑  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

NADS  
Sent 14:07

Yesh my leo king?   
Sent 14:11   


FUCK MARRY KILL BETWEEN ME  
HUNK AND KEITH   
Sent 14:11

i love this game! i always win   
Sent 14:12   


this isn’t that type of game!  
Sent 14:12

Marry my weirdo muffin Ina and   
baby girl Pidgelet!!!   
Sent 14:13   


Or marry Allura! Queen of   
debate!   
Sent 14:13   


Fuck Ryan Kinkade 😻   
Sent 14:13   


Kill ALL of you! 😽😉😘   
Sent 14:13   


Cocks look like elongated   
Goombas   
Sent 14:14   


What in the flying fuck does  
that even mean. answer the  
question I asked!  
Sent 14:14

Boo!   
Sent 14:14   


NADIA  
Sent 14:15

THIS IS IMPORTANT 😭😭😭  
Sent 14:15

Okay fine! marry hunk bc I like   
my mens thicc and juicy but I   
rlly don’t want smoke from shay   
tbh   
Sent 14:16   


she’s tall as shit! She’ll step on   
me!   
Sent 14:16   


(not that that doesn’t sound   
appealing tbh)   
Sent 14:16   


NADIA. THE REST.  
Sent 14:16

fuck keith bc he’s pretty like a   
girl. And he’s got soulful eyes,   
ya know   
Sent 14:17   


and kill you. No offence   
Sent 14:17   


ALL THE OFFENCE  
Sent 14:17

EVERY SINGLE OFFENCE  
Sent 14:17

THERE IS NO LOYALTY IN THIS  
BITCH ASS SCHOOL   
Sent 14:17

Omg why are you having a   
breakdown in the middle of the   
day   
Sent 14:18   


Oh pidge texted me why 😹😹😹   
Sent 14:22   


Lance eat a snickers   
Sent 14:22   


* * *

*******  
~Passing Notes In Class? You Must Wanna Fail~  
 *******

**have fun?**

_i think evry1 here sucks!  
y does evry1 choose me for kill! i’m desirable_

**when you don’t talk, yes.  
but you’re always talking.**

_my mouth is a gift!_

**if it makes you feel better, the fact that everyone  
chose you for kill is quite impressive**

_STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER  
YOU SUCK AT IT_

**don’t forget to calc torque on no 8**

_how?? and wut’s Fnet for 4?_

**are you stoopid? that’s what we’re finding  
plug and chug and do the math**

_but i don’t know the pos x direction!_

**it’s down**

_how is the pos direction down??  
the ground is 0!_

**that’s the trick in this one  
switch or you’ll have to neg everything**

_wtf does that mean???  
i hate physics!!!!!_

**oi. you got 5 wrong too**

_give me the answers!!!!_

**we’ll see.**

_c’mon pidgey i can’t pass this class w/o you_

**oh i know  
what are you willing to give me in exchange?**

_another date with the beuticious Lance McPecker?_

**guess you wanna fail**

_STOOOOP T_T_

**hey. zombie apocalypse. save one thing.  
what would you save**

_ fleshlight _ _._

**dumbass**

_u just hid ur face cuz you’re trying not to laugh!_

**still a dumbass**

_i have my priorities right!!! if zombies are gonna  
scramble my brainz, i’d rather i get to enjoy the  
closest thing to a warm kitty_

**so why not save an actual girl?**

_9???_

**separate the x and y vectors for 9.  
hypot and inv tan for mag and direc**

_changing my answer to jenny then  
have no clue what you just said_

**a 2 \+ b2 = c2 is basic alg/trig lance**

_i burrrrrly passed that shit_

**square root Fx 2 and Fy2 is Fnet  
what would you even talk about w/ jenny**

_allura then. in our last few moments we’d make  
love on the roof of an abandoned  
house overlooking a sunset_

**how bizarre**

_i said what i said_

**your mind is permanently in the gutter.  
you need an intervention**

_it’s a talent!_

**idk why you wouldn’t pick someone  
you have things in common with?**

_i have things in common with allura_

**you’ve spoken to her a grand total of 2 times**

_SEVEN AND SHE SAID I WAS FUNNY_

**you slipped on some mashed potatoes in the cafeteria  
and slid into a trash can. that’s not a compliment **

_w/e. i take what victories i can get_

**she was valedictorian last year.  
you aren’t on her radar.**

_y so serious?_

**you annoyed me**

_all this vitriol, but all i’m seeing is that  
you wanted me to pick you_

**i’ve been friends w/ her for years lance.  
trust me. you are not her type.**

_awww how cute  
you’re so jellyyyyyy ;3_

**strike 3. you’re out**

* * *

To his horror, Pidge collected her bags along with her completed worksheet. She waved it in front of his nose with an arched brow before going to the front and turning in her sheet.

When Pidge got to the classroom door, she turned and gave him a deadeyed stare of smug satisfaction over her shoulder and _left_ him. To his own devices.

Lance wanted to sob.

* * *

😘 Miss Robo GeekAssNerd 🔪🤓❤️  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

PIDGE NO PLS  
Sent 14:26

I’M SORRY  
Sent 14:26

Apology accepted   
Sent 14:26   


See you at dinner   
Sent 14:27   


NOOOO DON’T DO THIS  
Sent 14:27

I’m begging you to come back!!  
bb pls come back to me!  
Sent 14:27

You had me and you lost me.   
Shoulda treated me better   
Sent 14:28   


PIDGE WAAAAAAHHHH  
Sent 14:28

…

🦁 👑  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

Nads  
Sent 15:08

are you still having a major   
freakout 😹   
Sent 15:08   


No. Do you have kink’s #  
Sent 15:09

I’ll send you the file one sec   
Sent 15:09   


Thanks  
Sent 15:09

here you go!   
Sent 15:12    


[_Kinkayyyyy_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743602/chapters/66872758)   
Sent 15:12   


Use responsibly   
Sent 15:12   


He’s a very juicy piece of guy.   
I’ve licked many a photo of his   
face   
Sent 15:13   


You’re not really hiding your  
thirsting well   
Sent 15:13

wasn’t trying to. It’s a 24/7 job   
Sent 15:13   


My pride and joy. I can hand  
over my title as school goofball  
to you w/ no regrets when I  
graduate   
Sent 15:14

Godspeed and keep the  
tradition alive  
Sent 15:14

Lance. You mean that? 😿 That's   
the greatest honour you could   
ever bestow upon me   
Sent 15:15   


TEAM LEO 4 LYFE 🦁  
Sent 15:16

4 LYFE BRUH 🦁   
Sent 15:16   


* * *

“Applications will be due starting in November. Have you at least looked at the list of potential schools I gave you last time?” Sablan asked, his usual expression of disdain on his face.

“Uhh, no. I think I lost it.” Lance shrugged sheepishly, but Sablan looked unimpressed.

“Again?”

While his college advisor turned around with a sigh to print off Lance’s list, Lance slumped back into his chair, feeling totally unprepared for this meeting. He had so much shit to do today, and he honestly didn’t want to sit here discussing college. It was such a pain. He had a whole year. Why was the system so annoying that he had to start this a whole two years prior to it? Last year it was test after test. This year, multiple meetings and application shit. He was sick of the convoluted nature and quite honestly, nothing about going to college really enticed him about what he wanted to study.

And it definitely didn’t help that Sablan was so dull. He made the process just as bad.

That man never smiled, and Lance would have thought maybe it was just his natural disposition. But Sablan was his teacher for World History years ago and damn did that man seem to hate Lance’s guts. He was pretty sure it was some unfair leftover hatred for Marco. Apparently, his brother had targeted the man with pranks and now apparently Lance was responsible for dealing with the consequences of those actions.

Of course it didn’t help that Lance had totally fucked up and forgot about his meeting. He’d gotten changed for swimming, ran all the way to the pool early to see who made varsity (of which he’d made, of course) only to realise he had a meeting and booked it back. Showing up late as fuck in Sablan’s office out of breath and red faced hadn’t scored him any points.

(Also hadn’t when he’d run into Sablan’s priceless rotating globe and knocked it over onto the floor).

“These are based on your standardised test scores and grades for the past 4 years, as I informed you before,” Sablan said, taking the printed page off his printer and setting it on the table in front of him. Lance eyed the list warily. “Your coursework load, class ranking, extracurriculars, and other factors make you more or less competitive for certain schools. If you want to add or take away schools, that is okay. Just run it by me so I can update our pre-college files for you. Understand?”

Lance nodded, skimming the list in total disinterest.

“Most people only need to apply to about 6 or 7. If you want ten on your list, I’m okay with that as well. You likely will receive acceptances across the board, as well when factoring your ethnicity.”

“My ethnicity…” Lance drawled as he tapped a nail on the table. “Why? Cuz I check off _diversity_ boxes for these schools to pat themselves on the back?”

“Your— your accomplishments in school have been more than adequate, Mr. McClain,” Sablan spluttered, a frown marring his brows. “While I agree that schools might view enrolment of a Latino in their institution as a benefit for their matriculation statistics, you cannot discredit your own efforts! I’ve not seen a McClain who wasn’t highly skilled in their craft of choice. Even that wretched brother of yours, Marco, was quite savvy and intelligent. If he only used his intelligence more productively he would have completed his education at this academy!”

“Just jerking your chain, sir…” Lance responded absentmindedly as he messed with the corner of the paper in disinterest. “I hear ya.”

“Very well.” He cleared his throat and pushed his glasses up his nose. “Your backup school should be Altea. State school, cheaper education which considering our prior conversations with your parents, they might prefer to send you there, and I can actually nominate you for the full ride scholarship Alfor’s Keep. It’s need-based, but it’s very competitive, so you will have to write multiple essays through each step of the process.”

“More work? Well I certainly don’t have anything else going on in my final year of school, so sounds great!”

“Please take this seriously, Mr. McClain. Your future depends on this.”

He hated hearing that. So much riding on college and it wasn’t really fair. He wasn’t even eighteen yet, and he was being forced to make these insane decisions for his future when it wasn’t like his schooling prior to that had even established a baseline to prepare him for adult life.

It was a bit too much and it was all going over his head like whoa. Honestly, he just wanted to swim and practice was supposed to start in three minutes.

“Do you have any particular schools that are highest on your list?”

“Right. Uhhh… I’d rather just look over the list for a bit. I’ll email you though if I figure something out.”

“That’s fine. Try not to wait too long. Some deadlines are in November. You’ve at least completed a personal essay, correct?”

“Yes. Got that sorted out.”

“Very well. Email me any updates, please. When you’re ready to start submitting, we’ll send our committee letters and your transcripts.”

Lance nodded and thanked him as he stood up and left, mildly annoyed. He really wasn’t sure what he was looking for in his future. Didn’t see a point in going and wasting money when there was no set plan. Sure he technically had years to figure it out, but he wasn’t the type to wander aimlessly. He liked having goals, and he wanted to have specific goals in college too, but without career goals or career interests yet, it was hard to figure out what to do for his next steps.

His siblings had never had those issues because they’d already figured their strengths. Veronica had aptitude in science, Rachel in art, Luis with anything “handy”, even Marco for all his dumbassery understood business pretty well. Lance was kind of skirting by, decent at everything, but no specific talents that he could proudly hold on to and call his _gift_. Every McClain swam so it wasn’t like his talent was singular. It just felt like everything he thought he did amazing at was something his siblings had accomplished before him.

And he had four of them so sometimes it felt like they’d already picked the treasure trove of McClain clan talents clean.

He sighed as he headed off to practice.

“Have a lot to think about…”

* * *

K. Cocaine 💩  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

Have you gone to your meeting  
w/ your college advisor yet?  
Sent 17:33

oh shit fuck mine was yesterday!   
Sent 17:33   


DisCo is gonna come after you  
Sent 17:34

I’m surrised James didn’t bust  
through your door already  
blowing his whistle  
Sent 17:34

don’t jinx it man   
Sent 17:34   


probably not going to college   
anytime soon anyway. you don’t   
need college to become a good   
mechanic   
Sent 17:35   


you want to be a mechanic? I  
thought firefighter  
Sent 17:35

when I was a kid, yeah. I admire   
what my dad did, but too much   
pain in that job for both my   
mom and I   
Sent 17:35   


yeah. Makes sense  
Sent 17:36

so what’s your plan if not uni?  
Sent 17:36

train as an apprentice, maybe   
get an associate’s in auto tech   
during that time, open my own   
shop. Idk. I just want to work   
on bikes   
Sent 17:36   


and your mom is okay with you  
being a mechanic?   
Sent 17:37

She loves my plan, but even   
then it’s not really her choice.   
Sent 17:37   


No caps? What’s up with you?   
Sent 17:37   


Eh. Unsure of my future. Idk  
how to implement advice from  
the adults. Hunk and pidge  
already have every year of their  
life planned and know their  
desired careers.   
Sent 17:38

it’s our future. Why spend it   
being miserable by making too   
quick a decision?   
Sent 17:39   


you have a point I guess  
Sent 17:39

Wise old owl Keith coming in  
clutch with the good ass advice  
again   
Sent 17:40

We have our whole lives ahead   
of us.   
Sent 17:40   


No stress   
Sent 17:40   


True. Thanks  
Sent 17:40

although…   
Sent 17:46   


I’d be stressed too if my resume   
boasted an affinity for shitting   
myself in pools   
Sent 17:47   


* * *

**_[Delete contact K. Cocaine 💩?]_ **

* * *

**Quiz Reminder**

From: [cholt@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:cholt@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [APESFPeriod@list.galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:APESFPeriod@list.galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035,17:39

Evening.

Thank you, James, for reminding me that we end the day with our class tomorrow, so this is a reminder that as usual, we have a Quest set for tomorrow. Anything we’ve discussed in class in previous lectures is fair game, so make sure that you are continuously reviewing so you’re not cramming by finals.

We’ll use the first five minutes to review, so be on time. Questions are on a first come, first serve basis. As always, if you’re late to class, you’ve waived your right to ask a question.

It’ll take about fifteen minutes, and we’ll use the remaining time to continue our lecture, so bring your notebooks with you to class.

That is all.

Dr. Collen Holt

* * *

Lance’s go to guide for all things girls, school, and the woes of adolescence!

_9 Oct 2035_

_First, I’d like to preface this entry with a notice that James Griffin fucking SUCKS._

_I’ve already got hmwk out of my ass to do tonight and now I need to add this to it???_

_That’s not even the worst part._

_I hardly know what to do regarding the application. I have about a month left or so. But there’s nothing about college that excites me except for the crazy stories and the freedom. But it’s still crazy to me that some people have already got their apps done for applying to schools because they know exactly where they want or would want to go. I don’t have any huge ambitions right now, and I'm pretty sure that’s the major reason why I’m ambivalent to this whole process._

_I kind of want to do something else before starting uni. I don’t mind waiting to come up with a plan. Hell, I might not even have to go at all. Plenty of successful people in my family didn’t go, especially considering Luis. He dropped out after his second year, and he’s a 6 figure welder who makes bank. _

_It just kind of bugs me that my friends all seem to have firm plans. Hunk’s got his whole mech engineering, sky’s the limit for Pidge, and even Keith knows which direction he’s going._

_Having a school in my back pocket is another option, and if I really don’t want to start next year, I could defer enrolment for one year, I guess. Gotta research to pick the schools I would want to apply to though._

_More fucking work. Jesus._

_This process blows._

_It’s a lot to think about._

_But at least on the plus side, I know whatever school I pick will have hot babes. And preferably hot babes who aren’t evil little gremlins!_

_I know Pidge snuck in my room sometime today. That peach smell is all over my pillow. And I think she stole something from my closet too. It’s concentrated there. I’m not gonna have any clothes by the end of this year if she keeps this shit up!_

_Signed yours truly,  
Lance McClain xoxo_

* * *

😘 Miss Robo GeekAssNerd 🔪🤓❤️  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

Gimme my shit back!  
Sent 17:56

Nevaaarrrrr   
Sent 17:56   


There’s apple pie for dessert   
today. I’m gonna be late so get   
an extra slice for me or I shall   
be cross   
Sent 17:57   


Then gimme my shit back!  
Sent 17:57

Nevaaarrrrr   
Sent 17:57   


* * *

**_[Download Contact:[Kinkayyyyy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743602/chapters/66872758)_ _]_**

**_[Add Contact?]_ **

* * *

Kinkayyyyy  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

Looking forward to a great  
semester of gossiping about  
sendak’s proclivities for eating  
human flesh!   
Sent 18:01

McClain?   
Sent 18:01   


Got your number from Nadia  
Sent 18:01

Gotcha.   
Sent 18:02   


Still free to meet up in our   
house lounge after ten? The   
underclassmen will have curfew   
by then so it won’t be too   
crowded or loud   
Sent 18:02   


Good call  
Sent 18:02

Gotta go shower. See you later   
Sent 18:02   


Dinner’s starting tho. It’s apple  
pie today. If you’re late it’ll all  
be gone.   
Sent 18:03

Can't do anything about that.   
my coach let us out of our   
pre-season workout late   
Sent 18:03   


What do you play anyway?  
Sent 18:03

Hockey   
Sent 18:03   


Oh! Shit that’s right! You’re  
Ryan!   
Sent 18:04

That is my name yeah…   
Sent 18:04   


No, I mean, you’re “buff black  
dude on the hockey team” Ryan  
Sent 18:04

Holy shit! Can’t believe I didn’t  
make the connection  
Sent 18:05

I mean there's only so many   
black students at this school.   
process of the elimination   
Sent 18:05   


I’m slow on the uptake. Sue me  
Sent 18:06

Damn you’re famous  
Sent 18:06

you are too   
Sent 18:06   


Give it a rest with the damn  
pool thing!   
Sent 18:07

lmao I was referring to the   
ugly ass tux you had for   
homecoming last year   
Sent 18:08   


That handmedown is a McClain  
family heirloom! Every brother  
of mine wore it so it was my  
turn.   
Sent 18:09

And I looked dapper! You gotta  
show out for these things  
Sent 18:09

bro you looked like willy wonka.   
Sent 18:11   


HOW DARE  
Sent 18:11

* * *

“I have a dilemma,” Lance sighed, resting his elbow on the table and tapping his cheek as he absentmindedly scanned the full and noisy dining hall. Hunk glanced up from his calc book, and Keith rolled his eyes as he took a bite of a chicken tender. “So apparently, some people think me and Pidge are dating. Do you think that’s why Jenny hasn’t noticed me?”

“It’s because you act like a crazy pants,” Hunk said.

“Lance, we have to finish this freakin’ homework. Enough with your ‘dilemmas’. They’re never serious.”

Lance disregarded them both as he finished off his water. “I mean, it’s easy enough to clear up, but maybe if people have thought that since freshman year, maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to get a girlfriend.”

“I’m telling you, Lancey,” Hunk repeated with a smile. “It’s because you act crazy.”

“I don’t think I need distance from Pidge, but… I don’t want people to have the wrong idea. Not to mention, if it gets back to Dr. Holt, my goose’s ass is as good as cooked.”

“That’s not how it goes.”

“Here.” Hunk pulled out a small sandwich bag from his hoodie pocket and handed it over to Lance. “Cheer up by trying my new recipe for pumpkin cookies.”

Lance reached inside the bag to pick up a cookie with a frown. The top was moist and soft, but the bottom looked pretty burnt. And when Lance knocked the cookie against the table, it sounded hard and hollow.

“I’m not breaking my teeth on these bricks.” Lance snorted.

“I know that!” Hunk responded, indignant. “Eat the non-burnt bits. I need to see if the flavours are working.”

“I don’t want to ingest _carcinogens_. These are straight up charred. To a crisp. Ash with his Charizard kind of crisp.”

Keith nodded, going back to look at his phone when it vibrated. “Ah, Charmander. The very best starter.”

Hunk frowned, gaping at Keith. “…How dare you.”

Lance narrowed his eyes. “What did you just say?”

“You heard me.” Keith retorted with a raised brow. “The very _best_ starter in Red. Fight me.”

“The best starter is not charmander!” Lance scoffed, waving him off since he’d just said something so blasphemous he couldn’t dare take him seriously. “You have to fight rock and then water Pokémon for your first two gym battles. Even if you miraculously beat Brock, you’ll have a higher chance of getting KO’ed in one hit with your battle with Misty. Squirtle is obviously the best.”

“It’s Pokémon _red_. Why the fuck would you start with any Pokémon other than Charmander?”

“What the hell does that have to do with any of this?”

“Actually,” Hunk stated matter of factly, “Bulbasaur is the best. Grass and poison makes a deadly useful combo.”

“ _Shut up, Hunk_.”

Hunk folded his arms over his chest with a harrumph. “You two can keep debating this crap forever. But I’m right, and you know it.”

Pidge walked by on her way to dump her tray, and Lance stopped her by grabbing the back of her trainers. She glanced down at them in annoyance.

“No, no, no. You’re not going anywhere yet. Who’s the best starter Pokémon in Red?”

“Charmander.”

“Boom,” Keith said with a pompous smirk, and she and Keith fist bumped with deadpan looks on their faces. “See?”

“Fuck that!” Lance released her in utter disgust. “You’re biased because you were looking at his face and his creepy mullet brainwashed you into thinking he was correct! Plus you don’t understand red! Your colour element is green.”

Pidge gave him a look like he was the stupidest person on the planet. “What the fuck.”

“I agree with Lance.” Hunk tsked, shaking his head. “Pidge, how could you be so wrong? And to think, you’re considered the smartest person at this school.”

“Okay, we’re doing this.” She dropped into the seat beside Lance. “Higher attack stats from the jump. Cooler design. _Fire_ , dude.”

“Venosaur’s special is much higher than Blastoise or Charizard.”

“What?! Blastoise has better stats in defence which are more useful later in the game. Plus you don’t need a fire type until later in the game. I don’t even think you need one at all. Once you get a decent lineup, there’s no need for Charizard because other types can do what he can more efficiently. Plus Blastoise can learn ice which wipes the floor with grass Pokémon!”

Hunk sighed. “Lance, why would you even need Blastoise once you get Articuno?”

“ _If_. And one word: _surf._ C’mon, man. That’s a no brainer.”

“Gyrados or Lapras. Point still stands that Blastoise is redundant,” Keith drawled, texting on his phone.

“At least Squirtle is useful in the first gym battles. Fire type doesn’t help you at all and you’re stuck with bullshit scratch against rock, which can’t do anything. The first two gyms you’re arguably stuck with your starter as your main, so Squirtle is the best choice to beat Brock and Misty.”

“False. Bulbasaur is the most effective way to get past the two of them. And later, Venosaur excels against Giovanni,” Hunk argued. “But, since you can get Arcanine later I agree with Lance that you don’t need fire early on and you can get a better one later so why waste your starter on Charmander? Plus, he’s kinda useless in my opinion.

“Who cares about a couple advantages in some gym battles? Overall, grass is weak against a shit ton of types. His late game strengths aren’t that useful,” Pidge remarked while helping herself to Lance’s leftover fries. “That cabbage-looking wrinkly plant is not more useful than fucking _Charizard_ who is the most badass of badasses.”

“I know you don’t mean that overrated matchstick dino lizard that has wings, but can’t even fly…” Lance pointed out dryly.

“And some mediocre turtle who is outranked by every Pokémon in the game of the same type is better?” Keith rolled his eyes. “Cyndaquil is better than Squirtle too.”

“ _Cyndaquil_?!” Lance exclaimed with a bark of laughter. “What the hell! You’re officially disqualified from this discussion.”

Hunk nodded. “Not even the same generation. Or game for that matter.”

“That’s Gold, Keith,” Pidge snorted.

“I know that! I was saying that every fire type is better than Squirtle! Jesus, a guy can’t be cheeky now?”

“Any opinion you have is invalid. Therefore I win; Squirtle is the best.”

“Were we even playing the same game? You play as Bulbasaur, you’ll be pretty unbeatable.”

“Blatant falsity.”

“Look,” Lance said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t make the rules, but you’re _all_ wrong.”

“Why would we even listen to the opinion of a guy who got hit by a four year old on a tricycle going uphill?” Pidge intoned, finishing the fries.

Hunk and Keith started braying with laughter as Lance scoffed in offence.

“First of all, she had a lot of momentum, okay?! At least I shower after my sports practices! Pidge, you _reek_.”

“I wear my stink lines as a badge of honour.”

“See?! Pidge purposely doesn’t shower sometimes. How come her opinion is valid?!”

“Because I’m cute and soft.”

“No one in their right mind at this school would believe you’re soft, Pidge,” Hunk responded with a chuckle. “Especially since you’re on the field hockey team.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” Lance stressed, “Pidge and Keith don’t have a valid opinion since they listen to screamo crap.”

“Dude. You listen to Voltron. They are arguably just that,” Keith argued.

“How dare you?! Voltron is alternative with hints of rap rock!”

“No way.” Keith raised a brow. “Voltron is nu metal. If anything, it’s heavy metal too.”

“Stop changing the subject.” Pidge huffed. “The point is, Charmander is the best starter, you’re all wrong except Keith, and if you disagree you can kiss my ass.”

“We can’t keep having this fight, guys!”

“Well we’re gonna keep having it until you admit you’re wrong!”

“I’m not wrong!”

The bell rang signifying the end of lunch to head to club meetings and societies, and they all fell silent for a moment.

“Good talk.”

“Text me when you finish calc.”

“See you guys later.”'

* * *

**Assignment**

From: [awilliams@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:awilliams@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 19:06

hey lance.

club cancelled for the night cuz jesse was trimming his pubes and had an accident apparently. had to go to the nurse. so could you review some of the short story submissions for our edition this sat, get in touch with the writers for edits needed, yadda yadda? you know the process. votes are also in for most eligible senior bachelor poll so take care of that pls.

Mandy

Newspaper Club Co-Editor-In-Chief  
Peer Leadership (Team Starfish)  
Class of 2036

[[Underwater Search.pdf](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743602/chapters/59820439)]  
[[The Extraordinary Mind of Penny Cleavage.pdf](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743602/chapters/59820439)]  
[[Peaches and Blossoms.pdf](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743602/chapters/59820439)]

…

**> >>Re: Assignment**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [awilliams@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:awilliams@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 19:07

wtf is he okay???

Also, I was thinking. It would be kind of cool if I could do some other stuff than just review the creative writing submissions like last year. I’d like to be assigned my own piece to write too. I don’t mind if it’s a story or editorial or whatever. Just something different than creative writing pieces. I have no specific interests, so I think anything could be fun.

Oooh! Also how about a new series this year where graduating students can submit anonymous confessions of memories at Galaxy Garrison Academy. I know we have the senior confessional on the last day of school, but not everyone wants to publically go up there and talk about it, so I thought this would be a good way to get more people to participate. Plus people at the school can reminisce about memories and some ppl are lifers, so they’ve got a ton of stories that don’t always get heard.

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming  
Newspaper Club, Editor  
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Assignment**

From: [awilliams@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:awilliams@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 19:12

he’s an idiot. so yeah, probs, whatevs.

i’ll take it up w/ jesse

make sure you pick smth sexy from those stories, kay?

Mandy

Newspaper Club Co-Editor-In-Chief  
Peer Leadership (Team Starfish)  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Assignment**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [awilliams@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:awilliams@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 19:12

Cool. Got it.

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming  
Newspaper Club, Editor  
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid  
Class of 2036

* * *

> _(I thought the ending would be a pretty nice shock to the reader. And I lengthened it as suggested by someone in my creative writing class last week)_
> 
> _The Nectar of a Peaches_   
>  _by: IR_
> 
> _The moonlight is bright, glorious, and nice,_
> 
> _but it has nothing on the ass cheeks of the mice -- > (mice being a woman btw)_
> 
> _Two, swollen ripe plums that tremble when slapped and sucked_
> 
> _And the lovely pink hole that needs a good thrust_
> 
> _The pride of my male loins quivers, driven mad with need_
> 
> _The shaft of my love arrow longer than 17 -- > (I mean inches. Does it make sense?)_
> 
> _Tongues battle for dominance as the rigid nub swells_
> 
> _And then I wake up in my bed, all alone,_
> 
> _And nothing is well_

* * *

Lance shut his laptop screen and slowly dragged a hand over his face with a sigh.

What in the everliving tarnations of fucks was this shit.

* * *

*NORMIE SENIORS UNITE*

_October 9, 2035, 20:01_

**loverboy:** **@Keith Kogane** stopped by your room. where’d you go?  
 **Keith Kogane: S** nuck to the edge of school for a bit  
 **Keith Kogane:** I’ll be back in like 15  
 **Sugarbear™:** on a mini date with your sugar daddy?  
 **Keith Kogane:** Shiro is not my sugar daddy!  
 **Keith Kogane:** and it isn’t a date  
 **Keith Kogane:** Can ppl not borrow vinyls from friends now?  
 **Sugarbear™:** funny  
 **Sugarbear™:** no one said a word about SHIRO  
 **loverboy:** hmmm~  
 **Sugarbear™:** curious~

_Keith Kogane has left the group._

_Sugarbear™ has added Keith Kogane._

**Keith Kogane:** Give it a rest already  
 **Keith Kogane:** and he has a bf  
 **Keith Kogane:** Well ex  
 **Keith Kogane:** Whatever. Shit’s complicated.  
 **Sugarbear™:** so you like him?  
 **loverboy:** LOLOL  
 **Keith Kogane:** NO.  
 **Keith Kogane:** he’sJUST my oldest friend!  
 **Keith Kogane:** LEAVE ME ALONE  
 **Keith Kogane:** you punks!  
 **Sugarbear™: 😂😂😂**  
 **Sugarbear™:** you sound like a crotchety old man waving his cane at the kids playing in the street  
 **Keith Kogane:** you punk *bitches!  
 **loverboy:** you were voted most eligible senior bachelor this month, mullet head.  
 **loverboy:** ppl think ur good looking 🙄  
 **Sugarbear™:** it’s that mysterious emo brooding gothic vampire vibe he’s got going on  
 **Keith Kogane:** and my soulful eyes  
 **Sugarbear™:** quite popular these days  
 **loverboy:** what is it about this emo poop that ppl find attractive!  
 **Keith Kogane:** it’s the soulful eyes  
 **loverboy:** stfu already about that  
 **loverboy: h** e’s literally a pothead  
 **loverboy:** what in the world screams HOT about that  
 **Keith Kogane:** I’m not a fuggin’ pothead!  
 **Keith Kogane:** jeez  
 **Keith Kogane:** You smoke twice and all of a sudden ppl want to label you  
 **Sugarbear™:** it wasn’t just twice  
 **loverboy:** maths not ur strong suit is it  
 **Sugarbear™:** keith be honest  
 **Sugarbear™:** are you failing calc?  
 **Keith Kogane:** fuck off  
 **loverboy:** just fill out the email I send you by friday so I get this stupid assignment in.  
 **loverboy:** i’m just glad it’s not buzzkill James at least.  
 **loverboy:** could you imagine what his answers would be??  
 **loverboy:** “what’s your favourite pastime?”  
 **Sugarbear™:** “I believe discipline of the highest order is a necessity in this school full of idiots and heathens. Therefore, I rather enjoy tackling rule breakers with no mercy.”  
 **Keith Kogane:** hey. That’s pretty spot on actually  
 **Sugarbear™:** because that’s what his prefect poster outside our lounge says verbatim 😅  
 **loverboy:** le sigh. Club was so fun last year…  
 **Sugarbear™:** you’re not enjoying newspaper?  
 **loverboy:** idk why I keep having to do these boring fluff pieces and bs crap  
 **loverboy:** i want to write something more meaningful than this  
 **Sugarbear™:** tell the prez then  
 **loverboy:** i’ve been part of this club for two years  
 **loverboy:** you’d think she’d loosen up the reigns by now  
 **Sugarbear™:** it’s only the beginning of the year  
 **Sugarbear™:** give it time. She might decide to appoint you better articles  
 **Sugarbear™:** or you could turn in articles under a nom de plume  
 **loverboy:** that  
 **loverboy:** could work  
 **loverboy:** I COULD BE LIKE CASANOVA  
 **Sugarbear™:** you lost me  
 **Keith Kogane:** He loses everyone  
 **Keith Kogane:** No one understands that brain  
 **Keith Kogane:** it’s full of porn  
 **Sugarbear™:** and puns!

* * *

**Most Eligible Senior Bachelor**

From: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [kkogane@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:kkogane@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 20:21

Congratulations! You have been voted the Garrison Gazette’s next edition’s Most Eligible Senior Bachelor!

Please answer these questions as truthfully as possible to be included in the edition this weekend. Deadline is Friday by 20:00.

 **Tell us about yourself. What clubs/sports/activities do you do?  
** **Tell us a fun fact about yourself.  
** **What are your post-graduation plans?  
** **What’s the fastest way to your heart?  
** **Favourite things to do in your pastime?  
** **What’s your hidden talent?  
** **Favourite subject? Least favourite subject?  
** **Best feature?  
** **Ideal date?  
** **What do you look for in a partner?**

Lance ✌️

Varsity Swimming  
Newspaper Club, Editor  
Peer Leadership, Team Mermaid  
Class of 2036

…

**> >>Re: Most Eligible Senior Bachelor**

From: [kkogane@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:kkogane@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
To: [lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org](mailto:lmcclain@galaxygarrison.academy.org)  
Date: Oct 9, 2035, 20:53

**Tell us about yourself. What clubs/sports/activities do you do?**

As a full-time student photographer for the school events and sports, I’m given an exemption for playing any sports. Technically I’m in Art Club, but per the prez, the club is a construct and we can show up when we feel moved to. So I just say I don’t feel moved every time we’re supposed to meet. Truth be told, I don’t care about photography that much, but when I found out it gets you out of the two year sports requirement, I joined.

**Tell us a fun fact about yourself.**

My mom is famous. lol. Still funny as fuck that only 4 ppl know who she is.

**What are your post-graduation plans?**

Travel cross-country on a motorcycle with one of my closest friends. After that, travel with my mom around the world. And then work on bikes til I’m old. And then die.

**What’s the fastest way to your heart?**

Pretty much if you’re chill, I fucks with you.

**Favourite things to do in your pastime?**

Getting zonked with my college buddies. And occasionally w/ my mom when she’s in town. She lets me drink with her and takes me to super high end places. I’ve an affinity for caviar surprisingly.

**What’s your hidden talent?**

I can paint with my feet. Come to the Art Gallery Show at the end of the year. You’ll see how good they are, if I do say so myself.

**Favourite subject? Least favourite subject?**

I enjoy any art electives. And fuck calculus.

**Your best feature?**

Soulful eyes. Or my dong. Both. Both is good.

**Ideal date?**

Chilling, sharing a beer, and fixing up a bike together. Then riding it off into the sunset cuz I’m a romantic like that.

**What do you look for in a partner?**

Cock.

Keith Kogane  
Galaxy Garrison Photography Services Volunteer  
Class of 2036

* * *

K. Cocaine 💩  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

KEITH WTF. WERE YOU HIGH  
WHEN YOU ANSWERED THE  
QUESTIONS???  
Sent 21:02

WE CANNOT PUBLISH THAT.  
Sent 21:02

You asked me to answer   
truthfully   
Sent 21:04   


Are you fuggin stoopid??  
Sent 21:04

This is a SCHOOL NEWS BLOG!  
NO PROFANITY OR VULGARITY.  
Sent 21:04

Clean it up and take this  
seriously!  
Sent 21:04

C’mon. This is obviously a joke.   
A bunch of girls voted for me   
knowing I’m gay.   
Sent 21:07   


You edit it. Take what I said and   
turn it into something prettier.   
That’s what you’re supposed to   
do right?   
Sent 21:07   


I’m gonna make you look like  
an utter dipshit  
Sent 21:08

Sure. idrc   
Sent 21:08   


So when are you giving me back   
my 10   
Sent 21:10   


Hello?   
Sent 21:14   


Don’t ignore me.   
Sent 21:19   


LANCE   
Sent 21:25   


I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS   
Sent 21:29   


* * *

Lance held up his phone camera, dragging it around the Arus lounge to think of something to film for this week’s assignment. He paused the camera on Pidge curled up in a beanbag in a corner and reading without a care in the world in her bunny slippers. She was supposed to be in her room for curfew by now, but she hadn’t left with the other non-seniors.

There wasn’t anything particularly interesting going on, and neither he nor Kinkade were in a mood to put serious work into this since they both had pretty busy weeks.

“So do we have to follow a theme or something for this video?”

“Not really.” Kinkade yawned, leaning on the table as he scrubbed a hand through his locs as he skimmed some notes on his laptop. “Sendak doesn’t want to staunch our creativity.”

“It’s too late at night to come up with any good ideas. My brain is fried and my limbs feel like they’re about to fall off,” Lance muttered. “Damn. I feel like maybe I should switch to the First Aid elective. This one is going to bore me to tears.”

“I heard when we get to make films and movies and have longer projects, it gets pretty fun.”

“What made you decide to take this class?”

Kinkade shrugged. “Just started this year. I used to play trombone in concert band, but I kind of want to study film. Become a director. I’m being scouted for hockey, but that school doesn’t have a film studies major. So this might end up being my last chance.”

Yet another person who knew where they were headed.

“Dilemma, dilemma. What is your advisor suggesting?”

“Sablan didn’t recommend hockey because of the high risk for injuries. He lowkey hates hockey though. He always has that look on his face when he talks about it.”

“Raised brow, pursed lip, stick up his ass?”

Kinkade snorted. “That’s the one.”

“That’s such bullshit. Hockey’s amazing.”

“It’s the best sport in the world.”

“I wouldn’t go _that_ far.”

“Better than swimming at least.” Kinkade snarked.

“Hit in the head by a puck one too many times, huh?” Lance scoffed, kicking his feet on their table and rubbing his stomach as he leaned on the back legs of his chair. “We’ve got class and great finesse.”

“Bro, half your team is full of stoners.” Kinkade laughed. “I’m pretty sure Rocky is the school’s dealer.”

“That’s a rumour the basketball team started to discredit our success!”

“Sure it is.”

“At least we’re not as bad as the meathead football team.”

“We’re in agreement there…”

Lance snapped a picture of Pidge when she glanced at him and stuck out her tongue. “So you play forward, right?”

“Yeah. What events do you swim?”

“We find out season events on Friday, but I’ve swum freestyle since junior high. I anticipate a smooth sailing season.” He waggled his eyebrows. “And tons of impressed ladies.”

Kinkade scratched at his chin as he frowned at a slide on a powerpoint. “Are you planning to swim at uni?”

“Not sure. I don’t even know what I want to do to be honest. Too much to think about right now. And I don’t even have all my grad reqs done either. Need a volunteering project.”

“You heard of Happy Place?”

Lance shook his head. It wasn’t one of the suggestions Mont had given him.

“I’m a senior organiser this year. We mentor kids who need positive influences in their lives. A lot of them have health issues that have prevented them from leading a typical childhood. Kind of like a big brother/sister thing. Nadia is part of it too. Not pressuring you or anything, but if you feel like joining, you have to commit for the rest of the year.”

“I guess I could. I like working with kids. They’re cute.”

It wasn’t like Lance had any other options and he didn’t feel like doing his own digging. Plus Rizavi was always fun to hang out with, and Kinkade seemed pretty cool.

“Cool. I’ll get you set up for next weekend. Our faculty advisor is Dr. Tavo if you want to ask more questions.”

A loud whistle blew outside the lounge, nearly making everyone in there jump.

“Shit! Hide me!”

Pidge hopped off her beanbag and damn near slid under Lance and Kinkade’s table just in time for James to enter the lounge and stand at attention at the front of the door, arms behind his back. Lance set his legs down to cover her. She rested her chin on his lap to check where James was, and he snorted and patted her head.

“Seniors! Five minutes until curfew!” he bellowed at the top of his lungs, people closest to him wincing at the sheer volume of his voice.

As James prowled further into the room to check for anyone who was supposed to be in their rooms right now, Pidge crawled out of the table and saluted Lance as she scampered out of the lounge to avoid getting in trouble. Kinkade looked on in amusement.

“Four minutes!” James called out from somewhere near the loft. “You two stop sucking face and get your shit together to leave.”

Lance watched as the disgruntled students hopped off the loft with red faces. “It doesn’t matter if we end up a handful of minutes past. You _could_ be a little more lax with the rules for seniors. We’re working on homework. It’s not like we’re trying to burn the Arus Lounge down.”

“ _Your_ track record doesn’t breed much confidence. Senior curfew is ten-thirty as stated in the handbook.”

“You know, maybe we would be able to finish up our work by curfew if we didn’t have so much to do in the first place.” Lance retorted while more of the people sighed and decided to pack it up for the night. “Why’d you have to remind Dr. Holt about the quiz anyway? There’s barely enough time to study.”

“How is that on me? Maybe if you weren’t so fucking stupid to procrastinate your studying in the first place that wouldn’t have happened. Use your Study Hall and homework hour wisely and you’ll have more free time by the end of the day. That’s not an excuse.”

After finishing his thorough check of the back end of the room, James approached their table and turned to Kinkade. Lance made a choking motion behind his back and Kinkade folded his lips in to keep a straight face.

“Kinkade. Heard you’re applying to all the Ivies. That true?”

“Yeah. Might as well. You too?”

He nodded with a slight smirk. “I’d expect nothing less from my rival for valedictorian.”

Kinkade scoffed with a laugh. “Still on that competition even years later? Really?”

“Someone has to break that tie. It’s gonna be me, by the way.” James’s watch beeped and then he cleared his throat and straightened. “One minute everyone!”

James moved to inspect the couches and furniture, and Kinkade’s eyes kind of followed him, a small smile on his lips.

“There’s only like five people left in here.” Lance started shoving his own stuff in his bag. “God, he’s the _worst_. How are you friends with him? He’s an invulnerable robot with laser eyes and no weaknesses!”

“He’s alright. We were lab partners in chem years back; stayed friends since then. He’s just kind of awkward, but he means well.” Kinkade yawned again as he shut his laptop and started putting stuff back in his own bag too. “He’s actually pretty cool once you get to know him. Both his parents are military. Kind of explains his personality.”

Lance waved it off as he picked lint off his sweatpants. He’d tried for four years to get to know him and decided he’d had enough of snide comments to last a lifetime. If James were a hot babe maybe— _maybe_ —he’d still consider, but nope. Gave up on ever getting along with him. They were oil and water, but not in an amicable way like Lance was with Pidge or with Keith.

“But what’s this about valedictorian? Didn’t realise you were so hardcore at the top of our class. I’m intimidated. Do you live for studying?”

“I enjoy a good party now and then. Helps to unwind.”

“Who the fuck’s throwing parties? It’s not an urban myth?! Give me the hookup!”

“I’ll invite you to one next time it happens. You can bring your crew around too, but only seniors are allowed.”

“Oh Kinky.” Lance pretended to sob and wipe tears from his eyes. “That’s all I ask. I want a lively senior year experience. With handfuls of _boobs_!”

He snorted. “Can’t relate.”

“Curfew has begun. Clear out and head back to your dorms, all of you.” James called out from the middle of the room. “Lights out in thirty.”

“James,” Luka drawled from the carpet in front of the fireplace, “again. We’re _seniors_. No reason to be so strict about the rules.”

“I have responsibilities to uphold as head student chair of the disciplinary council. And I’m prefect of our House. We need structure to prevent this establishment from becoming a den of debauchery and anarchy.”

“We _need_ for you to get laid.” Lance grumbled as he stood and yanked his satchel’s strap onto his shoulder. Kinkade also stood, waving at James as he and Lance walked out of the lounge. “Hell, I need to get laid too…”

“Here’s the plan. We take a bunch of random bird pics until Thursday. Then we’ll put them in a video with some lyrical music and call it social commentary. Sounds good?” Kinkade asked as they headed to the stairs for the boy’s wing. “I have two tests this week. Don’t want to put in any real effort.”

“Sounds like my type of assignment. Great minds think alike.”

They bid each other goodnight and separated as Kinkade headed to his floor. Lance yawned, running a hand through his hair as he got to his own hall and pushed open his door, dropped his stuff by his desk, and sunk onto his bed.

Having Kinkade as a desk partner for a lame ass class would probably be great, especially since he seemed prone to the same bouts of laziness as Lance. For being the VP of the student council, Kinkade was majorly laid back and plus he had the hookup on cool parties that Lance had only dreamed of attending.

Maybe Videography wasn’t going to be ass for the rest of the year.

* * *

play nice kiddies

_October 9, 2035, 22:32_

**OptimusPrimeRib:** I think it tore when I fell on the beam in gymnastics camp.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** 11 ish  
 **queefkeef:** jfc like a riding a horse kind of fall??  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** sort of  
 **Sugarbear™:** ouch  
 **Sugarbear™:** did you feel it?

_October 9, 2035, 22:38_

_pussywhisperer has logged on._

**OptimusPrimeRib:** Not at first.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I didn’t bleed either.  
 **pussywhisperer:** what an awkward thing to log in to…  
 **Sugarbear™:** we’re talking about her injuries in gymnastics years ago!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** perv  
 **pussywhisperer:** oooh i’m team never broken a bone before!  
 **queefkeef:** There’s no frickin way that’s true.  
 **pussywhisperer:** IT IS  
 **pussywhisperer:** i’ve never broken a bone!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Hunk?  
 **Sugarbear™:** Confirmed.  
 **Sugarbear™:** he’s fallen on his face off monkey bars and tree branches  
 **Sugarbear™:** he’s twisted ankles playing kickball  
 **Sugarbear™:** he’s crashed into doors and knocked himself out  
 **Sugarbear™:** his brothers even let him go while he was learning to ride his bike and he flipped over a fence…  
 **Sugarbear™:** but no broken bones  
 **queefkeef:** I’m actually impressed  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** It’s only bc your bones are made of cooked spaghetti.  
 **Sugarbear™:** lolol  
 **pussywhisperer:** say what you want.  
 **pussywhisperer:** ppl would kill for my level of flexibility  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** gangly noodle  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I'm offended by the blatant falsity in your username.

_OptimusPrimeRib changed pussywhisperer to foreskinpants_

**foreskinpants:** what the fuck is this?!  
 **Sugarbear™:** not sure how this one is more accurate 😓  
 **queefkeef:** iT’s CuTe CuZ iT rHyMeS  
 **Sugarbear™:** what?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** It rhymes with lance.  
 **foreskinpants:** it has to BE in the username  
 **queefkeef:** Says who?  
 **queefkeef:** Who made you the username police??  
 **foreskinpants:** go smoke a doobie keith  
 **foreskinpants:** ur head’s not screwed on right  
 **queefkeef:** eat shit man  
 **Sugarbear™:** behave children.  
 **foreskinpants:** i’m convinced Keith is just as IF NOT MORE THAN dumber as I am  
 **foreskinpants:** why does everyone think he’s deep  
 **Sugarbear™:** the soulful eyes  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** the soulful eyes  
 **foreskinpants:** ENOUGH  
 **foreskinpants:** I’M GOING TO SUPLEX THE NEXT PERSON WHO SAYS THAT SHIT  
 **queefkeef:** The poor construction of your comment is making my eyes hurt  
 **foreskinpants:** the poor construction of ur face is making MY eyes hurt  
 **queefkeef:** lmaooo poor construction?  
 **queefkeef:** Am I or am I not the most eligible bachelor this issue?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** blatant falsity lance  
 **Sugarbear™:** is that your phrase of the day or smth?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** yes  
 **foreskinpants:** he looks like fucking Chuck E Cheese  
 **foreskinpants:** so there!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** 😂😂😂  
 **queefkeef:** stupid as shit  
 **Sugarbear™:** I will put you both in time out!  
 **Sugarbear™:** don’t think I wont!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Riz says “if being put in time out by hunk is the same as being smothered by his thighs, count her in”  
 **foreskinpants:** wut the hell?  
 **queefkeef:** SEE? PPL LIKE THICK THIGHS  
 **Sugarbear™:** I don’t think anyone has objected  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** She saw my messages  
 **Sugarbear™:** uhh tell her i’m flattered?  
 **Sugarbear™:** i think?  
 **foreskinpants:** anyway  
 **foreskinpants:** i think this yr i might have a shot at being a captain  
 **queefkeef:** I guess swim team won’t make it to state this year  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** You’re never on time for anything.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Who the fuck would vote for you?  
 **Sugarbear™:** they did lose a lot of people last year so fewer options  
 **foreskinpants:** you lot are a bunch of punk ass bitches  
 **foreskinpants: 😭**

_foreskinpants has logged off._

**queefkeef:** 😂  
 **Sugarbear™:** lancey come back! we’re jk  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I’m not.

* * *

Teddy BAE 🙌🐻🍯   
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

Come back!   
Sent 22:51   


…

K. Cocaine 💩  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

You’re the punk ass bitch   
Sent 22:51   


Where are my ten dollars   
Sent 22:51 

…

😘 Miss Robo GeekAssNerd 🔪🤓❤️  
\---------- Tues, 09/10/2035 ----------

Hunk is upset.   
Sent 22:51 

So stop this shit before winnie   
the pooh decides to go on a   
rampage   
Sent 22:52   


If Hunk goes rage mode, we’re   
all going down   
Sent 22:52   


You’re gonna make him angry.   
Sent 22:52   


You won’t like him when he’s   
angry.   
Sent 22:53   


* * *

play nice kiddies

_October 9, 2035, 22:58_

_foreskinpants has logged on._

**queefkeef:** jeez  
 **queefkeef:** We’re rooting for you so chill the hell out  
 **foreskinpants:** i went to brush my teeth?  
 **foreskinpants:** tf  
 **Sugarbear™:** shay did say a bunch of the first and second yr girls were planning to vote for you lance  
 **foreskinpants:** it’s cuz i'm clearly the cutest guy on the team  
 **foreskinpants:** loverboy lance strikes again  
 **foreskinpants:** i hope i don’t break a bunch of hearts  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Why did you tell him hunk?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** He’s got the biggest head in the world.  
 **queefkeef:** Can’t even get through the doorways anymore  
 **foreskinpants:** hope it’s not a bunch of dorky girls idolising me tho  
 **foreskinpants:** or any 5s making googoo eyes  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** You know you’re kind of an asshole right?  
 **foreskinpants:** it’s high school  
 **foreskinpants:** we’re all assholes  
 **queefkeef:** excpt winnie the pooh  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Even the pooh has his aggressive side.  
 **Sugarbear™:** why do y’all keep calling me that?!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** bc you’re a total softie  
 **foreskinpants:** i can’t help i’m a 10 pidge  
 **queefkeef:** and here comes lance with more deranged bs  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Think you flipped the order of the numbers.  
 **foreskinpants:** at least i don’t go around clubbing opponents with field hockey sticks!  
 **Sugarbear™:** yeah!  
 **Sugarbear™:** we heard you got expelled from your game  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Sendak said I did nothing wrong.  
 **foreskinpants:** pretty sure he’s not the most reliable source  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** My mom’s kind of proud of me for defending my honour too.  
 **foreskinpants:** REALLY sure she’s not the most reliable source  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I have to meet DisCo on fri with other teammates  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** that bitch said I looked like a Keebler elf tho  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** and called me Hermie.  
 **Sugarbear™:** lolololol as in rudolph’s friend?  
 **foreskinpants:** that’s funny as shit  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** So she had to die.  
 **queefkeef:** you guys missed a great game  
 **queefkeef:** turned into a pile on  
 **queefkeef:** girls beating the shit out of each other  
 **queefkeef:** ripping hair  
 **queefkeef:** tearing clothes  
 **queefkeef:** they were like animals  
 **queefkeef:** the WWE we deserve  
 **Sugarbear™:** was it really that dramatic?  
 **queefkeef:** I have the candids  
 **queefkeef:** I turned in the nice ones and kept the crazy shit

_queefkeef sent a picture._

_queefkeef sent a picture._

_queefkeef sent a picture._

**Sugarbear™:** pidge is a scrappy fighter confirmed  
 **foreskinpants:** did you knock out her teeth?!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** it’s a mouthguard moron  
 **Sugarbear™:** are you photograping FH all semester?  
 **queefkeef:** and swim meets this fall and track and soccer in the spring  
 **queefkeef:** I’ll get nice embarrassing ones for swim team, rest assured  
 **Sugarbear™:** what a flagrant abuse of power  
 **queefkeef:** you say that now  
 **queefkeef:** But you’ll be laughing at the plumber’s crack shots too I’m sure  
 **queefkeef:** And there's free range to ogle toned bums, big muscles, and thick thighs  
 **queefkeef:** THICK THIGHS HUNK  
 **Sugarbear™:** I get it 😅  
 **foreskinpants:** he likes big butts and he cannot lie  
 **foreskinpants:** (you sound like a prev tho)  
 **queefkeef:** rest assured  
 **queefkeef:** your flat ass would turn on no one  
 **foreskinpants:** MY CABOOSE HAS A HEALTHY AMT OF JUNK IN ITS TRUNK  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** why were you passing out popcorn in the stands  
 **queefkeef:** why are you questioning a hustle?  
 **Sugarbear™:** why do all your games end up turning into fights??  
 **foreskinpants:** why is our field hockey team so violent???  
 **foreskinpants:** there’s something inherently wrong with y’all  
 **foreskinpants:** not surprised considering your coach  
 **foreskinpants:** field hockey is just a bunch of not cute girls with anger management issues  
 **queefkeef:** p sure that’s the soccer team  
 **foreskinpants:** no way. FH is worse. Half the girls only play because we don’t have a girl’s hockey team  
 **foreskinpants:** soccer girls are cut tho ❤️  
 **foreskinpants:** if they kicked me in the nuts, i’d thank them honestly  
 **foreskinpants:** ‘tis hawt 🔥  
 **queefkeef:** You’re shit out of luck Lance  
 **queefkeef:** Not one girl on the soccer team is straight  
 **foreskinpants:** is that true pidge?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** yes.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Even the ones that date guys don’t date guys.  
 **foreskinpants:** what??  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** our soccer team is also violent lance  
 **queefkeef:** our soccer team is a gang  
 **Sugarbear™:** well the coach is the same…  
 **Sugarbear™:** explains a lot tbh  
 **foreskinpants:** idc! FH chicks scare me  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** This was our opposing team.

_OptimusPrimeRib sent a picture._

**OptimusPrimeRib:** fairly attractive  
 **foreskinpants:** hmm maybe i will come to your next home game  
 **foreskinpants:** score some numbers  
 **Sugarbear™:** how many bruises Pidge?

_OptimusPrimeRib sent a picture._

_OptimusPrimeRib sent a picture._

_OptimusPrimeRib sent a picture._

**Sugarbear™:** where are your pants?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** riz stole them  
 **foreskinpants:** are those  
 **foreskinpants:** teletubbies?!  
 **Sugarbear™:** lolololol  
 **queefkeef:** lmfaoooooo  
 **foreskinpants:** gwahahahahaaaaaaaaaa  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I ran out of underwear!  
 **Sugarbear™:** aww pidgey you’re so cute  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** oh shaddup

_October 9, 2035, 23:16_

**Sugarbear™:** would pidge be po since she’s small?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** My favourite colour is green.  
 **queefkeef:** relevance?  
 **foreskinpants:** well that’s not a good metric  
 **foreskinpants:** otherwise keith would be po  
 **foreskinpants:** which arguably makes no sense  
 **queefkeef:** how would Pidge being Po be more correct?  
 **queefkeef:** example A: today’s game  
 **Sugarbear™:** true  
 **Sugarbear™:** that’s not very Po like behaviour  
 **foreskinpants:** it’s always the small sweet ones that are the craziest  
 **foreskinpants:** po is a cereal killer  
 **queefkeef:** cereal 😂😂😂  
 **queefkeef:** which one did she kill? cap’n crunch?  
 **foreskinpants:** *serial fuck off  
 **foreskinpants:** you’re not funny  
 **queefkeef:** 😜  
 **Sugarbear™:** what metric are you using to determine this?  
 **foreskinpants:** it’s those crazy eyes  
 **Sugarbear™:** they all look the same?  
 **foreskinpants:** not true! they have evil demon eyes!  
 **queefkeef:** Why are you shitting on the teletubbies  
 **Sugarbear™:** aren’t they supposed to be babies?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Why do you guys always equate the small characters to being me?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** And I’m not small dammit!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I just haven’t hit my growth spurt yet.  
 **Sugarbear™:** I thought girls go through puberty earlier?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Still haven’t gotten my first period yet  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** inherited my family’s late bloomer curse  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Mom says this is normal for women in our family.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** They got theirs at 15-16 too.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** If I’m following the same trajectory, I’ll probably end up getting it this year.  
 **foreskinpants:** damn  
 **foreskinpants:** we’ll be here for you if you need us  
 **foreskinpants:** (even if you try to PMS murder me)  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I def will try to murder you  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** so thx ❤️  
 **Sugarbear™:** awww  
 **queefkeef:** what uncharacteristic sweetness  
 **queefkeef:** kinda sickening  
 **Sugarbear™:** at least an upside is you don’t have to deal with some of the struggle rn  
 **Sugarbear™:** shay gets hormone headaches from the fluctuating  
 **Sugarbear™:** my poor sweetie baby  
 **queefkeef:** Keep believing in yourself pidge  
 **queefkeef:** We’ll get our puberty glow up one day  
 **foreskinpants:** lurlz  
 **foreskinpants:** meanwhile i gained another FOUR cm over the summer  
 **foreskinpants:** #TALLBOI  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** #gumby  
 **Sugarbear™:** 😂  
 **queefkeef:** 😂  
 **foreskinpants:** HEY

_October 9, 2035, 23:33_

**queefkeef:** lmfaooooooo “cereal”  
 **foreskinpants:** eat shit

_October 9, 2035, 23:41_

**OptimusPrimeRib:** Disney movies are for shmucks  
 **Sugarbear™:** what brought this on?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** There were two idiots having a date on the loft and they were watching a Disney movie earlier tonight.  
 **foreskinpants:** ooooh which one  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** idk  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** some girl with an animal  
 **Sugarbear™:** lmbo doesn’t narrow it down  
 **queefkeef:** Not even a little  
 **Sugarbear™:** what does the girl look like?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** a dope  
 **Sugarbear™:** sensing some hostility  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Correct.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I love princesses, but Disney movies are overrated.  
 **foreskinpants:** OKAY *screeeeech*  
 **foreskinpants:** i’ve been sitting here reading your crap, but you’ve crossed a line  
 **foreskinpants:** what the hell pidge?!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** They’re not logically sound and they’re historically inaccurate.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Talking cats? Talking trees? Talking dragons?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Anarchy.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** The only one that makes any sense is Alice.  
 **foreskinpants:** that’s the one that makes the LEAST sense wtf  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** She’s on DMT  
 **queefkeef:** I can see her eating shrooms or smth  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** yes! See?? THAT makes logical sense  
 **Sugarbear™:** pretty sure that’s not it -_-;;  
 **Sugarbear™:** it’s a kids movie…  
 **Sugarbear™:** and isn’t she a child?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** So she got into her sister’s stash.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** look how prim the older sister is  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I bet she’s actually a drug dealer.  
 **queefkeef:** Probably into some really kinky shit too  
 **foreskinpants:** stop enabling this bs!!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** and kids put random shit in their mouth all the time  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Lance used to eat worms in the mud.  
 **foreskinpants:** NO I DID NOT  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Alice is a movie about her having a bad trip.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Prove me wrong.  
 **Sugarbear™:** well… she does make a compelling argument  
 **foreskinpants:** NO SHE DOES NOT  
 **foreskinpants:** WHAT IS THIS DISNEY MOVIE SLANDER  
 **foreskinpants:** how do you hate Disney movies?!  
 **foreskinpants:** EVERYONE LOVES DISNEY MOVIES  
 **foreskinpants:** EVEN EMO MULLET LOVES DISNEY MOVIES  
 **queefkeef:** Lion King, man.  
 **queefkeef:** gets me every time  
 **Sugarbear™:** i’m quite fond of the rescuers  
 **queefkeef:** That’s a good one too.  
 **Sugarbear™:** hunchback is high up there too.  
 **Sugarbear™:** And i like 101 dalmatians.  
 **Sugarbear™:** dogs tho  
 **queefkeef:** I'm’ more of an aristocats guy myself  
 **foreskinpants:** case proven pidge!  
 **foreskinpants:** look at this discussion! they LOVE the movies  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I guess I did like Shrek.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Funny stuff. Quotable.  
 **foreskinpants:** that’s dreamworks!  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** whats the difference  
 **foreskinpants:** WHAT’S THE  
 **Sugarbear™:** pidge wth lmao  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** It’sjust too unrealistic.  
 **foreskinpants:** they’re damn fairy tales! it’s not supposed to be factual  
 **queefkeef:** It’s just supposed to be cute  
 **Sugarbear™:** why would you expect realistic circumstances from a movie about mermaids under the sea?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** I never saw The little mermaid.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Seems dumb  
 **Sugarbear™:** How many Disney movies have you actually seen??  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Two.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Two was enough.  
 **foreskinpants:** 😱😱😱  
 **Sugarbear™:** what did you watch as a kid?  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Documentaries on the theories of relativity  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** and barney.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Man, I wanted to punch that fucking dinosaur in the head.  
 **queefkeef:** who doesn’t  
 **Sugarbear™:** wth did barney ever do to you?!  
 **Sugarbear™:** he just wants to spread love and joy and fun times with our imagination  
 **Sugarbear™:** WHY IS EVERYONE SO AGAINST LOVE  
 **queefkeef:** take it easy Hunk  
 **Sugarbear™:** 😭  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** Also, snow white was a gang leader.  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** their gang was called The Seven Dwarves  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** And that Prince was her bitch.  
 **foreskinpants:** LE GASP  
 **foreskinpants:** BLASPHEMY.  
 **foreskinpants:** THAT’S IT.  
 **foreskinpants:** MOVIE NIGHT  
 **foreskinpants:** MY ROOM  
 **foreskinpants:** THIS FRIDAY AFTER LIGHTS OUT  
 **foreskinpants:** WE WILL RNG A DISNEY MOVIE MARATHON  
 **Sugarbear™:** oooh fun! can I come!  
 **foreskinpants:** ONLY IF YOU BAKE NON BURNT COOKIES  
 **Sugarbear™:** 😔  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** eh whatever; nothing better to do anyway  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** You in, keith?  
 **queefkeef:** Next time  
 **queefkeef:** Shiro’s buying his baby and he asked me to come with  
 **Sugarbear™:** ???  
 **queefkeef:** twin cam Harley  
 **queefkeef:** Had his eye on it before he started college  
 **queefkeef:** He’s taking me for a ride and then we’re chilling in his dorm!  
 **queefkeef:** His roommate’s pretty chill about smoking too  
 **foreskinpants:** okay so Friday set  
 **foreskinpants:** trio having a movie night  
 **foreskinpants:** and keith having a date night with sugar daddy  
 **Sugarbear™:** 😂😂😂  
 **OptimusPrimeRib:** bahahahahaha!  
 **queefkeef:** …  
 **queefkeef:** HE’S NOT MY SUGAR DADDY

* * *

Kinkayyyyy  
\----- Tues, 09/10/2035 -----

I feel like we bonded today  
Sent 00:05

Good work.   
Sent 00:19   


Looking forward to our future   
collaboration.   
Sent 00:21   


Why so formal??  
Sent 00:22

Let’s get to the nitty gritty!  
Have you ever been with a girl?  
Sent 00:23

Or guy if thats your thing?  
Sent 00:26

Wow.   
Sent 00:26   


Right off the bat huh?   
Sent 00:26   


We’re officially class partners.  
Gotta bond and develop that  
trust   
Sent 00:27

You and nadia are the same…   
Sent 00:29   


funny and adorable and cute  
af?   
Sent 00:29

I agree  
Sent 00:29

Pain in the ass. Dopey. Hate to   
love.   
Sent 00:32    


Are you a virgin?  
Sent 00:33

Wow x2.   
Sent 00:33   


C’mon deep talk. Let’s bond,  
class pardner!   
Sent 00:34

Proudly lost my V card on Sat! ✌️  
Sent 00:34

Congrats.   
Sent 00:36   


Where’s the enthusiasm!  
Sent 00:36

Well, seeing as how we have to   
get up at 7 and I’m tired af…   
Sent 00:38   


Then what are you doing up  
Sent 00:39

Had to piss. Night.   
Sent 00:39   


Alright, alright. Can I ask you  
quick question tho?  
Sent 00:39

Fine.   
Sent 00:43   


Do you think stuffing w/ a  
chicken cutlet would look  
natural in my pants?  
Sent 00:45

Hey.   
Sent 00:46 

Do me a favour and delete   
my number from your phone.   
Sent 00:46   



End file.
